You guys… here’s the thing… and I apologize if this sounds ridiculous and shallow and absurd and makes you want to gouge my eyes out… but, here’s the thing…
My pants don’t fit anymore.
I don’t know why. I mean… I get it. I’m on my feet all day… sometimes I forget to eat… and I barely have a chance to sit down until AFTER dinner…
But… They DON’T fit!
And while I get it… I DO… like, why should I be complaining about losing weight?! But… here’s the thing…
I CAN’T AFFORD NEW PANTS, PEOPLE! NEW PANTS ARE EXPENSIVE! I BASICALLY WORK FOR FOOD.FOOD THAT I CAN’T AFFORD. AND THEREFORE… I NEED NEW PANTS BECAUSE APPARENTLY I’M NOT BUYING ENOUGH FOOD.
It’s a vicious cycle, really…
Because every morning I’m like, “Hm… what should I wear today? OOH! Those pants go really well with that top! But they don’t fit… I could pair them with that pair instead… but that pair doesn’t fit either… I suppose I could change the outfit entirely… which is perfect… because this top looks SUPER cute with those pants… which ALSO DON’T FIT.”
Yesterday, I was all excited to wear an old pair of Chuck Taylors I had found buried in the back of my closet… which look super cute in my “hang out” jeans… and I put the jean on… and I kid you you not… They. Fell. Off.
As in, they LITERALLY FELL OFF. THAT’S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE. I suddenly have the body of a skinny 12 year old boy. It’s ridiculous.
So, of course, being a resourceful, problem-solving, critical thinking kind of gal, I pulled out my belt.
First of all… how does one wear a belt without this weird oblong BULGE appearing right below your naval? It’s like, “Are you pregnant? With a mini SpongeBob?” WHAT IS THAT?!
And then one of my coworkers was all, “Just tuck in your shirt.” Or not. Because it’s not 1989 anymore.
So I just have to walk around all day hiking up my pants… which is not only really inconvenient, but also really, REALLY awkward. Especially when you’re trying to go unnoticed while hiking up your pants as you stand up/kneel/stand up/kneel during Mass.
And now? I just noticed I’m on the LAST hole of my belt. Am I going to have to make a new hole? What am I? The incredible shrinking woman? Do I have a tapeworm? I’m healthy! I swear! I eat! WHAT IS THIS?! Besides ridiculously inconvenient? I’m going to have to start taking up a collection for new pants. Forget about asking for tissue, paper towels and anti-bacterial wipes for the classroom. Teacher needs a new pair of pants.