Teacher Needs a New Pair of Pants

You guys… here’s the thing… and I apologize if this sounds ridiculous and shallow and absurd and makes you want to gouge my eyes out… but, here’s the thing…

My pants don’t fit anymore.

I don’t know why. I mean… I get it. I’m on my feet all day… sometimes I forget to eat… and I barely have a chance to sit down until AFTER dinner…

But… They DON’T fit!

And while I get it… I DO… like, why should I be complaining about losing weight?! But… here’s the thing…

I CAN’T AFFORD NEW PANTS, PEOPLE! NEW PANTS ARE EXPENSIVE! I BASICALLY WORK FOR FOOD.FOOD THAT I CAN’T AFFORD. AND THEREFORE… I NEED NEW PANTS BECAUSE APPARENTLY I’M NOT BUYING ENOUGH FOOD.

It’s a vicious cycle, really…

Because every morning I’m like, “Hm… what should I wear today? OOH! Those pants go really well with that top! But they don’t fit… I could pair them with that pair instead… but that pair doesn’t fit either… I suppose I could change the outfit entirely… which is perfect… because this top looks SUPER cute with those pants… which ALSO DON’T FIT.”

Yesterday, I was all excited to wear an old pair of Chuck Taylors I had found buried in the back of my closet… which look super cute in my “hang out” jeans… and I put the jean on… and I kid you you not… They. Fell. Off.

As in, they LITERALLY FELL OFF. THAT’S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE. I suddenly have the body of a skinny 12 year old boy. It’s ridiculous.

So, of course, being a resourceful, problem-solving, critical thinking kind of gal, I pulled out my belt.

First of all… how does one wear a belt without this weird oblong BULGE appearing right below your naval? It’s like, “Are you pregnant? With a mini SpongeBob?” WHAT IS THAT?!

And then one of my coworkers was all, “Just tuck in your shirt.” Or not. Because it’s not 1989 anymore.

So I just have to walk around all day hiking up my pants… which is not only really inconvenient, but also really, REALLY awkward. Especially when you’re trying to go unnoticed while hiking up your pants as you stand up/kneel/stand up/kneel during Mass.

And now? I just noticed I’m on the LAST hole of my belt. Am I going to have to make a new hole? What am I? The incredible shrinking woman? Do I have a tapeworm? I’m healthy! I swear! I eat! WHAT IS THIS?! Besides ridiculously inconvenient? I’m going to have to start taking up a collection for new pants. Forget about asking for tissue, paper towels and anti-bacterial wipes for the classroom. Teacher needs a new pair of pants.

*sigh*

 

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Since you’ve been gone…

Since you’ve been gone…

Or rather, since I’ve been gone…

Let me get caught up with the following series of interpretive images…

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Trump? Really? Not even this is as bad as that:

8

Which pretty much leaves us with this:

clinton-funny-election-memes-2016-presidential-election

In the apolitical arena, this has been my life:

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Not to mention getting used to and indoctrinated into this:

4ec95753b7fff51c3fa49ee507e54153 mass-day via-thecatholicrealist.com-2

Which I have loved and been completely into… I find the whole thing fascinating… and occasionally… odd. But like… “good” odd. You know?

And then there was the time I almost passed out at Mass, froze to death in Urgent Care, fell in love with a priest, had a kiddo desecrate the host and fell all over myself trying to crown Mary. But those are other stories for another time.

What’s new with you?

Things That Made Me Go, “Hmm…” – Week 40

Dearest readers,

Forgive my negligence in maintaining my regular blogging duties. My life has been a bit chaotic as of late and I have been unable to keep up with my regularly scheduled posts. (I really do need to make use of that “Schedule a Post” phenomenon…)

That being said, let me take the opportunity to be honest with you for a moment. Two significant things happened this week while preparing for this blog post (or rather, not preparing for this blog post…).

  1. I was not keeping up with the headlines seeing as I was trying to get settled into my new place and my new classroom. Headlines were the last things on my mind, so I was not consciously selecting articles for this week’s post.
  2. Nothing interesting happened this week. Literally nothing. At least I’m not aware of anything interesting happening this week. It could be because I wasn’t watching for it, but from the look’s of it, it was a pretty slow news week. When Donald Trump doesn’t throw a single hissy fit, you know it’s a slow week for news.

Therefore, we may be scraping the bottom of the barrel this week, thanks to the fact that EVERYONE ignored my Twitter plea to share interesting story ideas with me… Thanks, a lot, you mangy whores. (I don’t even know what that means, so don’t bother asking.)

Now, without further delay, here’s my very short list of things that made me go, “Hmm…” this week:

  • Damon Wayans went on a tirade this week. A ridiculous and stupid tirade, but a tirade nonetheless. Based on this tirade, I am now thoroughly convinced he is the jackass I always thought he could be. Way to be, Damon Wayans. Way. To. Be.
  • Speaking of royalty, I may be a little late to this party, but is this an actual thing??? I mean… you can’t just claim a kingdom, can you? I know it’s TLC but… it was in the news too. This is just too embarrassing for words. Just… go away, strange heirs. Go. Away.
  • And lastly, for those of you wondering about my personal life now that I have embarked upon this new adventure, this about sums it up:
fridge boyfriend

I really, REALLY need this t-shirt.

Okay, peeps. That’s all I have for this week. Next week, be dears and help a girl out with her headlines, WILL YA? I’m not asking for much. I mean… C’MON.

Over n’ out, good buddies. Have a great week.

You GUYS!

You GUYS!

I FINALLY have internet again!

SQUEEEEEEEEEE!

Oh, how I have missed you my sweet, sweet mistress.

So, if any of you were all like,

“Um… Annie??? Way to drop the ball with your weekly ‘Hmm…’ post. You big stupid, jerk-face…”

I totally had an excuse. That being a lack of internet.

Also? There’s no need for name-calling or that sort of language. Simma dawn.

I will try to get my Charity Tuesday post up ASAP and then I will fill you all in on the weirdness that is my new life. (Hint: My new life is TOTALLY WEIRD. Because of the new people in it. It’s like living in the Twilight Zone. Seriously. I’m pretty sure I’m working with a bunch of Pod People…)

But right now, I have to go set up my new Roku box so I can have something to watch on the Telly. (What? I’m totally a pretend Brit. I can totally pull off that word…)

More later, peeps.

 

Random Thoughts on a Random Tuesday

Why random thoughts on a random Tuesday? Because I said so, that’s why.

  • This morning, I had my first dentist appointment in THREE YEARS. (Don’t you judge me. I have harrible tooth anxiety. What? That’s a thing. That’s totally a thing.) To say I was concerned was an understatement. I thought they were going to be scraping my teeth for a full five hours and then sending me to an oral specialist for some kind of unknown, unpronounceable mouth thing. Turns out, the scraping only took half an hour and I had no cavities. I know what you’re thinking…

.

Because it’s exactly what I was thinking too. Although, I did get a short lecture on flossing more. And then I was told that the gum-line near my bicuspids had receded to the point that my roots were exposed… and eventually, I would probably need a skin graft. Which I already knew about… and thus the reason I had been avoiding the dentist for the past three years. But now that I won’t have dental insurance (you know, after having taken my vow of poverty for the Catholic diocese…), I can surely put it off for another year. But eventually, I’m going to have to put on my big girl pants, and just bite the bullet. But not right now. For now, I shall celebrate my mostly healthy, and conspicuously clean mouth.

  • In other news, I know shockingly little about Joseph Stalin. This occurred to me after watching a documentary about him on the History Channel. Did you know he was in power up until the 1950s? And he started all kinds of concentration camps in Russia? WHO KNEW?! I mean, I vaguely remember skimming over him in World History in 11th grade, but otherwise? Yeah, we didn’t really talk about him. It was always Hitler, Hitler, Hitler. Well, what about Stalin? Mussolini? General Mao? Saddam Hussein? HMM??? Shouldn’t they at least be given a footnote in our history books?!

Why should Hitler just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? The other ruthless, murderous dictators are just as cute as Hitler, right? The other ruthless, murderous dictators are just as smart as Hitler. People totally like the other ruthless, murderous dictators just as much as they like Hitler, and when did it become okay for Hitler to be the boss of everybody because that’s not what ruthless, murderous dictatorship is about! We should all just stab Hitler!”

Mean Girls? Oh, nevermind. It was stretch anyway. Needless to say,  I will be picking up history books from the library and brushing up on world history. Because… you know… being dumb about stuff is never ideal.

  • I have made a decision that from here on out every Tuesday on this here blog is going to be”Charity Tuesday”. It is here that I will highlight a charity and/or worthy cause worth giving to, promoting, or volunteering time to. And then you guys can take it from there. And retweet it. And repost it. And reblog it. And get other people to care. Because every little bit helps, right? Right. And I’m feeling particularly charitable lately.
  • I have been deplorably lazy with reading other peoples’ blogs lately. I PROMISE I will come around and catch up. There’s really no excuse for my lack of visits. I’m just lazy. And sometimes busy. But mostly, just lazy.

*sigh*

With that being said… I suppose I should finish my laundry. And maybe work on some lesson plans. Maybe brush my teeth again (you know, for good luck or… something).

Catch you on the flip-side, peeps.

 

Things That Made Me Go, “Hmm…” – Week 38

Alright, kiddos. Ready for this week’s rundown? No? Not quite? Well, get ready, because I’m not gonna wait around for you guys…

  • This happened this week… and it was BRILLIANT. You go, John Brown. And don’t you dare apologize for anything. You did exactly what everyone has been wanting to do for the past 5 years. Bravo, sir. BRAV-O.
  • I came across this harribly lame lovely little snippet this week. It both frightened and enthralled me. I mean… REALLY, Alana Stewart? The woman’s gotta be some kind of alien life-form. That’s just… I mean… Holy Crappers, Batman! I guess I shouldn’t be so concerned about being 30, huh?
  • This also happened this week and it is literally the cutest thing EV-ER (…aside from the stupid rhyming scheme.) Who wrote the copy for this story? A four year old fairy princess?

The whole. Entire. Time. Poor jurors…

Okay, peeps. I realize that’s only four miniscule snippets, but gosh darn it… I’M BUSY. You should be happy I even posted this week. Good grief. The demands from you minions are getting just a wee bit ridiculous don’t you think? No? Well… YOU’RE WRONG. So there.

Lastly, in case you haven’t done this yet…

GO FOLLOW MISS CORA ON BLOGLOVIN’!  Seriously. What are you waiting for? Go do it. Why? Because I said so. And you may think I’m not the boss of you, but we all know I totally am, so… why fight it? Go do it. Thank you, minions.

Over n’ out, good buddies. Have an excellent end to your weekend.

 

Things That Made Me Go “Hmm…” – Week 37

Um, first of all, let me apologize to all you fans of my weekly “Hmm…” posts. For alas, I have not posted one of these in nearly a month.

A MONTH.

My bad.

This is really quite a shame considering the headlines of the past few weeks have been PHENOMENAL (Thanks in no small part to Donald Trump…).

However, there are still plenty of items from which to draw upon for this week’s installment.

Alright? Let’s do this.

(She) had blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.”

Ahem. I’ll give you a moment to digest that…

After this lovely little tidbit, his campaign issued a statement insisting that he meant to say “whatever” instead of “wherever”. As though saying “Blood coming out of her ‘whatever'” changes the entire meaning of the statement and makes it perfectly acceptable.

His campaign issued another statement insisting that he was referring to her… nose.

I’m sorry… just…

And… that pretty much sums up that story.

I believe the word you’re looking for is, “Ew.”

I suppose that makes me some kind of misogynistic anti-feminist. I didn’t realize there was a shortage of tampons and pads in the world, although it makes sense with regards to developing countries. But if that’s the case, can’t we start some kind of “Period Charity” instead of running around without… stuff? Call me old fashioned but… Ew.

  • This also happened at the GOP debate (Don’t worry, after this little tidbit, I SWEAR I will not refer to the GOP debate and/or politics in this post again.) which was pretty much the highlight of the evening:
  • And for anyone out there currently searching for a job… Don’t stress… Everyone involved knows it’s just a BS waste of time anyway.

What is that… Five stories? Okay, I’m calling it. I could spend all day searching for more, but c’mon… I think we all know that isn’t going to happen. I hope you’re okay with that. If not… Yeah, I don’t really care.

Alrighty. Over n’ out, good buddies. Catch you on the flip side.