Things that made me go, “Hmm…” – Week 23

Last week, I said it was week 23, when really, it was only week 22. I realize such a misstep probably screwed up all of your weeks, so I apologize for the inconvenience. But really, am I the “week keeper” now? C’mon, peeps. C’MON.

You see what I just did there? I attempted to divert your attention from the fact that I have literally nothing to write about today. (And when I say, “literally”, I literally mean literally. Not figuratively-literally, but literally-literally. You pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?) It’s been one of those weeks. Between self-diagnosed panic attacks disguised as vertigo, to babysitting the 2nd grade class from hell… it’s just been one of those weeks.

But… I know you’re all super excited so I’ll just pull things out of thin air as I go along. Let’s get started, shall we?

*crickets*

Hang on… let me check Twitter. Maybe there’s something there…

  • Hillary Clinton announced her candidacy for president today. After which, everyone yawned and spent the next hour surfing the internet for “real news”.

Okay, BuzzFeed… let’s see what you have… and I swear to GAWD, it better be more interesting than what Twitter had to offer…

NOPE. NOTHING.

Facebook? Pinterest? No. You know what? I’m not even going to bother with you two. You’re already on my “suck” list.

Okay, Annie. C’mon. There’s gotta be something you can talk about. ANYTHING. FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD, WOMAN. THINK OF SOMETHING.

  • Ooh! Selfies took a huge hit this week. Everyone was all, “Selfies bad!” And then everyone was like, “Ooh! I agree!” And then some people were like, “Psh. Selfies are SO passe`.” But still others were like, “Well, I dislike them so much I’m going to dedicate an entire newspaper editorial to them!” And the Kardashians were all…

And I’m just sitting here thinking, “Duh. Double chins, anyone? How is this news?”

*sigh*

People are dumb.

  • Ladies! I came across THIS brilliant website this week:  www.rosegal.com  Um, vintage-inspired looks? Crazy low (and when I say low I mean, “Holy crappers! What is with these prices?!) prices? FREE shipping worldwide? Um… just go. Go there now. Guys, you can go too… if you’re into women’s clothing. Otherwise, stay here.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow is going to live off $29.00 in food stamps for a week. In case you’re curious as to how that will work out for her, let me let you down easy: She’ll probably craft some healthy, vegan, gourmet meals for her two adorable, perfectly coiffed children while using the leftovers to fertilize her naturally sustainable garden, thereby discovering a new species of plant that is not only high in anti-oxidants but also stops the aging process. Because she is Gwyneth Paltrow, and she is still better than you.

And….

Nope. That’s it. I’m out. I’m done. I’m spent. (See? I told you it was a particularly uneventful week. This is why I need your help, peeps! If you see something funny, amazing, and cool… TELL ME, dammit! Don’t make me beg… jerks.)

Okay, so then… over n’ out, good buddies. I’ll catch you on the flip side.

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The Real Neat Blog Award… Starring June Cleaver

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Okay, so more than a week ago, I was nominated by the Baffled Baboon for “The Real Neat Blog Award” (and yes, when I read that phrase, I can only hear it in a Beaver Cleaver voice: “Gee, Wally. That’s a real neat blog you have there.” Did I ever tell you about the time I actually MET June Cleaver? It was pretty epic. But that’s a story for another time…)

HOLY DIGRESSION, BATMAN. What the heck was that?

Where was I? Okay… um… “The Real Neat Blog Award”. Nominated by The Baffled Baboon. (Which is another “real neat” blog, by the way, so you should go check that out, because it’s “real neat” and she talks about monkeys a lot… and she’s super funny… which is “real neat”, you know?)

ANYhoodles… just as I was getting around to writing about “The Real Neat Blog Award”, I was nominated again by Lisa over at Real Mom of Long Island. (Again, another “real neat” blog because she’s both really funny and quite insightful and her life as a mom pretty much needs to be made into a TV show… so, it’s “real neat”.) Which, just solidified the fact that I need to get around to actually writing about it. SO, without further adieu… Here are the rules:

1) Put the award logo on your blog.

2) Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.

3) Thank the people who nominated you, linking to their blogs.

4) Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs.

5) Let them know you nominated them (by commenting on their blog etc.)

Here are the 7 (Now 14) questions that i need to answer:

First from Baffled Baboon

1. If you could travel back in time, what event would you want to witness?

Um… er… hmm… Good grief, that’s a tricky one. Um… Okay, got it. The end of World War II in 1945. From the parades and celebrations of our troops coming home, to the news reels of Jewish prisoners being released from the concentration camps. How amazing would it have been to witness that sort of victory? Pretty epic. (Not epic like meeting June Cleaver, mind you, but still… pretty epic.) 

2. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop?

Hahahahahaha! NO. Dude, I haven’t even gotten a parking ticket. Wait. No. No, I HAVE gotten a parking ticket, but it took me nearly 30 years to accomplish that one, so I’m not planning on getting pulled over anytime soon. Unless the cop is hot. Then we’ll see.

3. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

SAMMICHES! Also? Sandwiches. Seriously. Is there anything better than a sandwich? Putting all your favorite ingredients in the same place in a handy, easy-to-hold, easy-to-carry contraption like that? It’s sheer brilliance. What’s not to love?

4. What was the last lie you told?

Seriously? I lie to children on a near-daily basis. It would clearly be impossible to keep track of them all. Although, if I really had to dig, it was probably when I told little Miss 2nd Grade Sassy Pants that her getting two guinea pigs for Easter was pretty much the coolest thing ev-ER. (When everyone knows it was really that one time I met June Cleaver…)

5. If you could be any age for a week, what age would you be?

Twenty-five. That was the age I was when I married the ass-hat, and I obviously want a do-over. Plus, it was a pretty good age all around.

6. What is your worst habit?

I chew gum. A LOT. I think it’s become a nervous habit. I apologize if it grosses you out. I’m trying to cut back. I swear.

7. If a baboon were to hypothetically knock on your door and hypothetically ask for some money to hypothetically build a hypothetical time machine, how much hypothetical money would you hypothetically donate?

One MILLION hypothetical dollars. It’s not every day a talking baboon comes around asking for hand outs. That’s pretty epic. (Again, not meeting June Cleaver epic, but pretty epic.)

AND… from Real Mom of Long Island

1. What is the best thing you love about where you are from?

The lakes and the trees. You literally (the British pronunciation, not the American one) cannot go a mile without tripping over a lake here. They. Are. Everywhere. And they are pristine and gorgeous. After spending a week out west, I was homesick for all the lakes. I love me a good lake. And the trees? Again. They’re EVERYWHERE around here. As far as the eye can see. It’s sheer perfection. Plus, it’s pretty remote, so if you ever want to get lost, this is the place to do it.

2. Where did your blog name come from?

Where DID my blog name come from? I don’t know. I think I based it on how I was feeling after that Harrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad thing happened. My emotions were all over the place, and I knew I would have to go Under and Over, Around and Through a lot of things to get to the other side. But now I’m here… so… YAY!

3. What is your dream job?

Helping others. It would literally be doing some type of charity work – helping, serving, raising awareness and funds for causes I hold near and dear to my heart. Helping people in war-torn, developing countries. Getting food, clean water, medical supplies, building shelters and schools for people that need it the most. Promoting educational causes, working with and inspiring kids, and speaking out against injustices. And then? Writing about it, speaking about it, and getting other people to care about it. Also? Doing a lot of traveling in the process. Honestly, nothing makes me feel more fulfilled than when I’m able to help someone else and bring a smile to their face. 

4. Favorite book?

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD?! Hello?! Bloggity peeps… c’mon. We’ve covered this, have we not?

5. Which single person has inspired you the most in life?

OOH! I know this one! JUNE. CLEAVER. (Okay, not really. But I don’t have a better answer at this time…)

6. What do you love most about yourself?

Um… the fact that I once met JUNE CLEAVER?! Okay. Not really. I guess I like that overall, I’m a really happy, fun, optimistic person. And I’m feisty. You can’t really get me down too easily, and if you do… I won’t stay there.

7. Dream Vacation?

AFRICA. Africa, Africa, Africa. I have wanted to go there since I was a little girl. The people? The animals? The scenery? The customs? *sigh* I think I would instantly fall in love and never want to come back.

Got all that? Good. I now nominate the following:

The Neurotic Logic

yellow. fever.

Sane Teachers

My Friday Blog

Shop Girl Anonymous

Single Family Asylum

Beautiful Insanity

Goodbye Whoopee Pie

Whew! Okay. Now for YOUR questions…

  1. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you love June Cleaver?
  2. Your mom just called. What do you do now?
  3. Where in the world IS Carmen San Diego?
  4. Coffee or Tea?
  5. Are you as cool as I am? If so, why have we not met yet?!
  6. Feet. Do they gross you out as much as they do me?
  7. A Prince song comes on the radio. Do you turn the station or turn it up and jam out?

Okay, that’s it. That’s all I have. Have fun. Be good. Let people with lots of groceries go in front of you in the check out line. Especially if they bear a striking resemblance to June Cleaver. Because… you know.

Like a record, baby. Right round, round, round.

Right now, I should be in a second grade classroom trying to get those hooligans to put away their math workbooks quietly, and then quietly clean up their space so they can get ready for recess.

But I’m not.

Instead, I’m here. Sitting at my computer. Writing to you guys.

Why?

Because… Vertigo.

It started at 3:00 am. I was woken up by something (probably my stupid cat), and greeted by a spinning room.

Spinning. Like a record, baby. Right round round round.

“NOOOOoooooooo!” I thought to myself. “I have to work in the morning! Go away, vertigo! Go away. Go away. Go awayyyyy…..”

And then I fell asleep.

When my alarm went off 3 hours later…

Spinning. Room.

I wasn’t even sitting up yet.

I closed my eyes again.

Room still spinning. Only not visually… just in my head. My head was spinning.

I closed my eyes tightly and rubbed them. Then opened them.

Room. Still. Spinning.

I sat up.

The spinning continued. Like I was ready to pin the tail on the donkey, but no one had spun me.

Do you know how annoying it is when you are unable to get your eyes to focus because the room is spinning?!

The spinning finally stopped and I stood up. The room had righted itself, but the floating, spinning feeling remained.

Crap. How am I supposed to teach a bunch of hyperactive, emotionally immature 2nd graders when I can’t even keep my balance?

So, I made the dreaded phone call. To the school. Apologizing profusely. But I couldn’t come in when I couldn’t even see straight. I didn’t want to fall and crush any 2nd graders. I normally wouldn’t cancel the day OF. I’m sorry I suck. I hope you can find a replacement. I have to go now. Room spinning again.

I’m sure they hated me. What kind of substitute teacher calls in an hour and a half before school to CANCEL? Me. Little Miss Bobble Head.

Crap.

I went back to bed and when I woke up the second time the spinning continued. Then it stopped. Then the floaty feeling started. Now any time the position of my head changes, the floating kicks in. And I really don’t want to lie down because that’s how the spinning starts.

I have a hair appointment at 4:30. I cannot miss it. I already had to reschedule once, and my hair is in desperate need of a trim. I’m just wondering how I’ll deal with having my hair washed. Oy.

Am I dying? I think I’m fine. I have no other symptoms. But I dare not look too much into WebMD for certainty that I will diagnose myself with Ebola.

I think it’s stress-related. I’m the kind of person who bottles everything up and sucks up all the anxiety and worries she can, and then holds onto it until she explodes 6 months later in a flurry of tears and obscenities. (It’s pretty impressive, actually. You should come watch the show sometime…) But until then, my stress and anxiety seeps out and manifests itself in weird ways. Like spinning rooms.

*sigh*

I just hope I’m not dying.

Just a few teeny, tiny updates

First of all, I added a few more really awesome blogs to my Blog List. Just a few this time around, but if you check out some of the peeps I’m following on Twitter, you’ll be able to find a TON more awesome blogs that I just haven’t gotten around to adding to my blog list yet. Check them all out. They’re pretty fantastic.

Secondly, in case you’re new here, and you’re ever at a loss for what the heck I’m talking about and why I’m making up words that don’t make any sense what-so-ever… you can check out this page which will explain exactly what each word means and how it is used. You’re welcome, new visitors. You. Are. Welcome. (PSST! Regular Bloggity Peeps! Any phrases I forgot to include? Let me know!)

Thirdly, I’ve been coming across some AMAZING blog posts that are beautifully written, wonderfully insightful and hysterically funny. I try to share them either on Facebook or Twitter whenever I have the chance. AND, I’ve also been on the receiving end of people sharing some of my posts on Facebook and Twitter. It feels awesome to get kudos from fellow writers, so let’s help each other out by giving each other props on well-written pieces. For instance… go over and give this girl mad props for what she just accomplished. I mean… how awesome is that?!

Additionally, I’ve been slacking on catching up on my reading. I’m REALLY going to work on getting around to everyone’s posts at least twice a week. But seriously… cross your fingers because I’m going to need all the help I can get.

AND… lastly… it’s been a busy week for me, so if anyone… and I mean ANYONE… has any… and I mean ANY… recommendations for my “Hmm…” post this week... LET ME KNOW! I don’t care what it is at this point. Something. ANYTHING. C’mon, peeps. Help a girl out.

That’s all I have right now. Remember: Tomorrow is Friday, so that’s good, right?

Over n’ out, good buddies.

What Would You Be Left With?

Not long ago, a dear friend posed the following question to me:

What would you have today if you were only left with the things you had given thanks for the day before?

That stopped me dead in my tracks. What would I be left with? Thinking back to the previous day, it dawned on me that I would be left with nothing.

Not my health.

Not my home.

Not my job.

Not my family and friends.

Nothing.

Think about it. What would you be left with? What were thankful for yesterday? Anything? If you’re being honest with yourself, probably nothing, or at the very least, very little.

Maybe it’s the result of living in first world countries. We have more than we could ever need – more than most people even dream of. But we take it for granted because it’s always been there, and we assume, it always will be. So, rather than taking stock of the ridiculous amounts of opportunities, money and luxuries at our fingertips, we’re consumed with what we don’t have and what we still need.

We complain about the traffic. We complain about our jobs. We complain about our leaders. We complain that the baseball game was rained out, that the contractor’s quote for remodeling the rec room was too high, that our service at a restaurant was sub-par, that our kids have too much homework, that our annual trip to Disney World will have to be cancelled because it interferes with the in-laws visiting.

Do we ever stop to think about how ridiculous we sound?

Do we ever stop to think about what we have to be thankful for?

It’s easy to complain. It’s harder to take stock of your life and be grateful.

If you were to make a list of all the things you gave thanks for the day before, my guess is there would be maybe a half dozen items on the list. But if you were to write down everything there is to be thankful for? You’d probably have a list of 50 to 60 items.

Make a list of all you have to be thankful for. And then tell me, based on that list, what would you have today if you were only left with the things you gave thanks for yesterday.

I’m starting to sense a theme here…

The other day, I received the following in the mail from a dear friend of mine:

Unicorns are Jerks coloring book

Why? Well, for no other reason than the fact that it’s hilariously funny AND a coloring book. I mean, coloring bad ass unicorns? What’s not to love?

Then a few days later, this arrived in the mail from my sister:

Be a Unicorn

My friend and my sister do not know each other. I do not have an affinity for unicorns. They know I do not have an affinity for unicorns. (Not that I have any problems with unicorns. Unicorns are awesome. Fantastic, really. It’s just that, I’ve never had an opinion on them one way or the other.) And yet, the universe is apparently conspiring to ensure that I develop an affinity for unicorns. Because why else would I receive two unicorn related gifts within days of each other from different people who know nothing about one another and are aware of my indifference towards unicorns? Apparently, it is my destiny to become a fan of any and all unicorn related propaganda. Which would officially make me a dork. Which I am not okay with. Is this karma? Or does the universe just have a really quirky sense of humor?

I don’t know. Either way, it was totally weird. And both my friend and my sister were very excited about these gifts. I’ve already been asked if I’ve started coloring in my coloring book yet. (The answer is no, by the way.) And my sister seemed overly concerned that she got me the wrong color and size for the t-shirt… as though I would be wearing it out in public… ever. Not only is it pink, but it has unicorns on it. Do I strike anyone as a pink unicorn kind of girl? (Although, it was “Mug Sister“, and she does have a weird sense of humor. But she sounded very serious about the whole thing over the phone…)

*sigh*

ANYhoodles, so apparently, I have a thing for unicorns now. Keep that in mind next time you need to buy me a gift. Annie’s a big ol’ fan of unicorns.

Go unicorns.

(PSST! If you click on the pictures, it’ll bring you to the places that make these fantastic items. Theo Nicole Lorenz is a fantastically funny artist whose products you can find on Amazon, and City Shirts makes some pretty epic clothing items so… be sure to check those out.)

Conversations with Kindergarteners

“How old were you when you started teaching?”

“83.”

“How old are you now?”

“105.”

*Blank stare*

(Apparently, these are perfectly reasonable answers to a kindergartener.)

*Long pause*

“So, you’re 105 years old?”

“No! Of course not! If I was that old, I’d be hobbling around with a cane!”

“So, how old are you really?”

“I’m 30.”

*Stares at me aghast*

“You’re only 3 years old?! Even I’m older than you!”

Kindergarteners clearly have no understanding of numbers.