And. I’m. Back.

Wait.

Whaaaaaa???

I know. There is SO much to get you caught up on.

So, back up a bit…

Let’s start from the beginning…

And retrace my footsteps…

If I can remember them…

(It’s been a ridiculously long time peeps…)

As I remember it, I had this here blog thingy…

Which I then decided to get a host for…

So, I changed the address…

And kept writing…

Until I decided to stop writing on that blog…

And so I deleted it…

In order to start another blog…

Which I then also subsequently deleted…

And in my efforts to start yet another new blog…

I stumbled across this little orphan which I had abandoned for a bright, new, shiny, happy blog…

And it turns out… there was no need to abandon it… (I mean… I think I exported all my work to the shiny new blog… but what good does that do me once I deleted the dang thing? NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING.)

And imagine my surprise when I discovered I still remembered my log in and password! (See? It was serendipitous, peeps.) And so, instead of starting from scratch, I’m returning to my roots… and picking up where we left off. Because life is funny like that.

So, in the meantime, let me get you caught up…

SO… remember how I got all divorced n’ stuff?

And then I moved back home?

Well, then some people died…

And others moved away….

And new jobs were started…

And new religions were joined…

And new relationships were formed…

And new religions were left behind for old religions…

And new jobs became same ol’ jobs… in same ol’ new cities… and pretty soon everything that was once new and scary became old hat… and here I am again… after going under and over, around and through…

Back on the other side of new.

 

 

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Not that I’m complaining…

You guys…

I can no longer see out of my windows…

Due to the gigantic snow piles blocking my view…

Thanks to the 6+ inches of snow we received today.

Because I’m trying to cut down on the amount of complaining I do during Lent, allow me not to vent my frustrations, but rather illustrate the gamut of emotions I am currently experiencing due to this latest turn of events through a montage of gifs…

stop the madnessi give upcryingdoes not matter

This is where I currently am right now.

I am hanging on by a thread, people…

Not that I’m complaining…

‘Cause I’m not…

Snow can be pretty.

Hockey players and figure skaters and snowshoers and cross country skiiers and snowmobilers and abominable snowmen are probably super happy right about now…

Not that I’m not happy…

I’m super happy that they’re happy…

And hey… no mosquitoes, right?

And it is still February…

And I do live in the great white north…

So, it’s not like this should be unexpected…

It’s just…

I CAN’T SEE OUT OF MY WINDOWS!

But I’m not complaining…

It’s not like windows are for looking out of…

It’s not like my cat is ridiculously depressed or anything…

And things could always be worse…

I could be OUT there… instead of observing the mess that is accumulating from the comfort of my warm, cozy living room sofa…

BUT…

I’m just concerned that…

It’s…

It’s never going to end…

I mean… it has to end…

Eventually.

Right?

PROMISE ME IT WILL END…

help

There’s probably some hugely insightful blog post here about seeing beyond the snow piles to the promise of spring… Something about Lent… Something about plowing through… Something about keeping on and staying strong…

But right now my windows are blocked and I’m pretty sure winter just restarted itself.

*sigh*

 

 

 

 

 

Wait for it…

I know, I know, I know.

I haven’t been on here in forever.

The school year kicked into high gear and I basically fell off the face of the earth.

Sorry about that, peeps.

Between correcting assignments, grading papers, getting my continuing education credits in, playing referee between bickering students, settling playground kerfuffles, retraining kiddos how to sit still and learn, addressing parent questions and concerns, planning lessons, working on accreditation requirements, trying to teach non-Catholics about all things Catholic, pulling art projects from Pinterest, planning field trips, setting up experiments, pushing students to grow and stretch and THINK, printing more worksheets than should even be legal, and occasionally getting some groceries and cleaning up my own place? There hasn’t been much time for anything else.

Plus… it doesn’t help when I feel like I have nothing to say. Even though I have plenty to say… but my mind is so befuddled by everything going on, that it’s difficult to focus on one thing for any specific length of time.

Also… I don’t think it’s helped that I’ve felt… frustrated… irritated… annoyed… confused… and somewhat flabbergasted by how things have changed in my work and church life. I suddenly find myself thinking more like a teacher and less like a dutiful, obedient parishioner. I find myself seemingly pigeon-holed into activities and duties I didn’t ask for nor show any interest or talent in. And I just want to buck the system and go rogue. Maybe it’s human nature. Or maybe it’s just that time of the month.

But once the dust settles, you can bet your bippy I’ll be back on here.

You just wait.

 

Spider Eyes

I just refused to accept a friend request on Facebook because the girl had spider eyes.

Like…

MAJOR spider eyes.

Do you know how bothered I am by spider eyes?

I mean… what… what business does that TARANTULA have crawling all over your eyes?!

YOUR EYES, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

GET THE SPIDER OFF OF YOUR EYES!

HOW DO YOU SEE THROUGH THE FURRY SPIDER LEGS?!

I mean, when I see this:

coming at me THROUGH YOUR GLASSES, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be your friend.

Because I’m pretty sure those spiders want to gnaw my face off.

OM-NOM-NOM.

And then I have no face, and children are crying, and the police are called, and its this whole thing and… I just don’t want to put you through that.

But if you were to remove the spiders FROM your eyes… Then we could sit down and discuss things.

And that way, you’ll be able to see better, I won’t have to worry about my face getting gnawed on… Everybody wins!

But really… can I just… you know… ask… WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!

I mean, I’m as big a fan of mascara as the next girl but… you realize those GREAT BIG BALLS of BLACK GOOP shouldn’t be there, right?

And, long luscious lashes are one thing but… you know… hair… by its very essence… should not have the thickness of a two by four.

I mean… I’m not an expert but… you know… common sense and all.

And when your glasses are 5 inches thick and still the only thing I can see are those furry spider legs and not your EYES… I’m just thinking… the mascara probably isn’t doing its job. Its doing the opposite of its job. Because its job is not to put big ass spiders on your eyeballs.

Again… not an expert… but one would assume… that is NOT the purpose of mascara.

I mean… how have your family members never said anything? And why do all your Facebook friends comment on how pretty you are? I mean… YOU ARE. You’re gorgeous. It’s just that…

SPIDERS.

ON YOUR EYES.

Seriously, girl?

Just…

No.

 

Say something. Say… Anything.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with “the father”.  (What? I didn’t tell you about “the father”? Yeah, well… you’ll catch up.)

And as I am wont to do, rather than be my sophisticated, witty, interesting self, I ended up acting like Gomer Pyle. Because that’s how I roll.

You know Gomer Pyle, right? The simple-minded mechanic from “The Andy Griffith Show”?

Oh, you don’t? Well, this is Gomer:

Anyway, here’s a brief overview of how it all went down:

So, I had a meeting with the guy, right? We were discussing things, right? (No, it doesn’t matter what we were discussing, all that matters is that a discussion was taking place.  Stay with me.) Okay, so while we’re discussing these “things”, the guy is trying unsuccessfully to sit still. He absolutely cannot sit still. He’s like one of my 2nd graders. It’s ridiculous. Whenever we’re having a discussion he’s constantly rummaging through his books, looking things up on his phone and computer, shifting positions incessantly so he can get better blood flow to the brain…

Not entirely unlike this…

Anyway, he doesn’t do it to be rude. He’s listening the entire time, and continuing the conversation, and giving feedback. It’s just that when we’re discussing things, his brain is always going, and when his brain is going, he has to find supporting evidence for his assertions and opinions. And so he’s always looking things up. Because he’s brilliant and smart and a nerdy, researcher-thinker dude and I kind of find him weirdly… cute.

*Ahem*

ANYWAY, at one point he was looking something up on his computer… you know, to offer up supporting evidence for his assertion. This happens a lot so usually I just wait for him to find whatever he’s looking for, and read whatever he wants to share. So, he’s looking up this information, and I’m sitting there waiting…

patiently…

quietly…

And instead of sitting there staring at him (Which I would never do… because that would be ridiculously awkward…)

Ahem.

I was looking out his office window. You see, he has these large windows in his office, and he had them wide open. And it was that kind of windy, blustery, perfectly stormy, summery day, and I was just enjoying the view.

Not entirely unlike this…

I don’t know how long I was sitting there staring out the window, but I finally turn back to his desk and he’s just sitting there…

Looking at me…

Like he was waiting for me ask my next question…

And I’m like, “Oh! I’m sorry, I thought you were still looking something up…”

Not entirely unlike this…

I DO NOT KNOW HOW LONG I WAS SITTING THERE STARING OUT THE WINDOW LIKE A GOMER.

It could have been 30 seconds… It could have been a minute and 30 seconds… DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT IS IN REAL LIFE?!

That’s a freakin’ long-ass time!

He must have been like, “Dude. Are you just going to hang out in my office or…?”

It’s not that simple! I didn’t know we were sitting here in awkward silence!

UGH… I am so ridiculously awkward. But why didn’t he say something?! He could have been like, “So, what else is on your mind?” Or… SOMETHING! But no. He sat there in awkward silence, looking at me, waiting for me to collect my thoughts and SAY SOMETHING.

Say… ANYTHING.

It was horrifying.

Okay, not as horrifying as I made it out to be, but still pretty horrifying nonetheless. I mean… How long was I just sitting there? How long was he waiting for me? WHY DIDN’T HE SAY ANYTHING?

I’m so freakishly awkward. I’m such a Gomer.

And this is why I’m going to hell…

There have been some firings and hirings going on at work.

(No, not me, you idiots. I’m awesome.)

But it’s been happening to other people. People have been changing positions, leaving for more pay (translation: minimum wage), getting “let go” because they suck… You know, the usual.

I had the opportunity to meet one of the new hires yesterday.

At first I was pretty sure I was going to like him.

And then he said this:

“Oh, I hate when students get me gifts. I’d much rather they give that money to charity.”

As I’m standing there holding my condensating iced mocha from Starbucks purchased with the gift cards I received from my students at the end of the year.

Another teacher piped up with, “Oh, I know! I tell all my parents at the start of every year that I really don’t need gifts. I’d much rather see that money put towards classroom supplies.”

And while they’re being all…

“Aren’t I so holy? I’m such a good Catholic. No purgatory for me. I even get an indulgence and a ‘Pass Purgatory, Collect $200 (that I don’t need)’ Card. Isn’t that lovely?”

With their spouse’s income and money to put towards savings and emergency funds and “extra spending money”…

I’m all standing there like,

“What the hell?! Do you KNOW how much we get paid?!?! The only reason I could purchase this drink is because of CHARITY. Otherwise, Winston would be without food until my next paycheck. Whores.”

With my jeans from COLLEGE, my bra from 1993, and a pair of old prescription glasses which pretty much make me a danger behind the wheel.

Oh, and did I mention I JUST got a $1,000 bill from the clinic thanks to the AWESOME health coverage I get?

So, yeah, I’m gonna take the gift cards, AND the school supplies, AND any money they bring in for Mass offering. You alright with that?!

Step. Off.

Clearly, this was quite traumatic if I’m still worked up about it 6 DAYS LATER.

In other news, I just found out from a Catholic acquaintance that Catholics can actually EARN a PLENARY INDULGENCE for a HOLY SOUL if they…

  • Pray for the pope
  • Go to confession every 21 days
  • Attend daily Mass and receive daily communion
  • Stay in a state of grace

I don’t know if this acquaintance is accurate on this point, but if they are, isn’t that the equivalent of a “Get out of Purgatory Free” card? Isn’t that the equivalent of EARNING ONE’S WAY INTO HEAVEN?! Isn’t that EARNING SALVATION BY WAY OF WORKS?!?!

Isn’t that just a….

TO EVERY PROTESTANT EVERYWHERE PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE?!?!

I MEAN, WHAT IS THAT?!?!

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS:

ABOUT THAT?!?!

And I found that out a WEEK AND A HALF AGO!

Clearly, I am not in a good place with this…

To top it off, I have to talk to one of the fathers this week about the religious education curriculum. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to address this if only to get some answers. And I’m kind of afraid of the answer they’re going to give me. Plus, I have a raging case of PMS, so let’s just hope I don’t burn the place down.

Don’t get me wrong… I love my job, I love my work peeps, I love the church peeps, I love the Catholics, I love everyone and everything… but… SERIOUSLY?! All of the above was just TOO. MUCH.

SO… if we’re keeping a tally of what sins are going to send me to hell in a single blog post (I figure I better keep a record for confession purposes in case I ever decide to take the leap and join the Catholic church..) here’s what the current total looks like:

  • Called you guys idiots (Slander, 5 demerits)
  • Called myself awesome (Pride, 2 demerits)
  • Used gift cards with too much relish (Greed, 10 demerits)
  • Recalled my story to others whom it did not concern (Gossip, 5 demerits)
  • Mocked people (Mockery, 35 demerits – because I did it repeatedly)
  • Insinuated violence (Wrath, 55 demerits – ’cause that’s like a mortal sin, right?)
  • Used church inappropriate words (Profanity, 10 demerits)

For a grand total of….

122 demerits

And this is why I’m going to hell…

Any Catholics out there with a “Get out of Purgatory Free” card? I’ll pay you for it.

(DANG IT! BRIBERY! Another 20 demerits! I gotta get this under control…)

 

 

Watch this.

For the past 8 weeks or so, I have been rushing around like a mad man, unable to take any sort of a pit stop for fear that everything will fall in on me and I’ll never be able to dig myself out of the subsequent mess.

Not entirely unlike this…

And now, tonight, all of a sudden I’m all…

Whatevs. S’all good.

When I have no right to feel that way what-so-ever because grades are due this week, conferences are next week, the students’ fundraiser is on the skids, I still haven’t finished my stack of “Hey, thanks for being so nice to me after my mom DIED” notes, my apartment is unpacked, Winston is in need of a major brushing and I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to wear tomorrow.

But I think I finally hit the, “I don’t give a rats ass” wall. Because, honestly? Tonight? I just don’t.

I want to watch Law & Order SVU and stalk people on Facebook.

Don’t I deserve at least that much?

No, no I do not.

But I’m going to do it anyway.

Watch this.