Well, that’s just dumb.

Remember when I told you guys about what a hardcore people-pleaser I am?

How I can never disagree with someone or say no?

How I can never be anything less than agreeable and polite and easy-going and fine with everything?

Um… yeah. That annoying little trait definitely isn’t helping me out in this whole divorce process thing.

When I really want to be all like angry-woman

I end up being like 8

Only much better looking…

Anyway, it occurred to me that I don’t want the ass hat to think I’m… a jerk. Or that I’m unreasonable. Or unlikable. Or mean. Or vindictive. Or asking for too much.

Um… excuse me? Why the heck do I care what he thinks?! Was he not a jerk? Was he not unreasonable? Was he not unlikable, mean or vindictive???

The dumb thing is… I am not any of these things! But I worry that he’ll think of me in this way if I ask for a decent amount of spousal support, or make certain reasonable requests, or demand that he help out with certain logistics of this whole divorce process.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I KNOW none of that makes any sense! I KNOW that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard or said. I KNOW that if someone else were in my shoes, I’d be slapping them upside the head saying, “SNAP OUT OF IT! He did this to YOU! You need to stand up for yourself, WOMAN!”

Why is that so ridiculously hard to apply to myself?! I’m expecting so very little out of him. If you knew how much I was asking in spousal support, you would be shocked. You’d be disgusted if you knew how much he was willing to pay. You’d also be so disappointed to see how agreeable and NICE I’ve been through this whole ordeal. He’s been staying in the apartment. He’s been able to use all the furniture and things I’ve left behind until I can get them, no questions asked. He’s only had to pay me for certain big items that I can’t take with me right now. He hasn’t been inconvenienced in the least through this whole ordeal. Nothing in his life has changed except that now he can freely visit his girlfriend whenever he wants without feeling guilty about it. I’m being ridiculously agrreeable. And I have no idea why! Why can’t I stop myself?!

I’m not saying that I should become some raving lunatic, some vindictive jerk face… but I could at least stand up for myself and expect something from him for upending my life and leaving me in the lurch, right?

Something needs to change. I need to change. I can see that. It’s the actual application of that change that’s the hard part. Any words of advice, peeps? Because I’ll take it.

You’d think I’d have figured it out by now…

The other day, my mom and I were watching a Lifetime movie. (Don’t you judge. You know you watch Lifetime movies. You’re just too afraid to admit it.) The “victim” in the movie (because the main character is always the victim of something… stalking, rape, abuse, infidelity, false accusations, bad hair, bad acting, bad script…) found that her bank account had supposedly been emptied by her recovering alcoholic husband who had gambled it away. (I seriously did not make that up. That was one of the plot lines.)

“Oh, please.” I said to my mom. “Like you wouldn’t know if your husband had a gambling problem.”

She got an amused look on her face and just stared at me.

And then she burst out laughing.

I think I said something to the effect of, “Oh, shut up.”

Trust me. The irony was not lost on me.

It’s not your fault.

I often wonder how many Christian women are sitting at home beating themselves up about contemplating divorce or finalizing a divorce. How many women are riddled with guilt because they didn’t do more to make it work? How many are torturing themselves playing the same scenarios over and over in their heads wondering if they had done something differently or hadn’t made certain comments or been a better wife that maybe they wouldn’t be in this situation? How many feel shame and guilt for somehow “letting God down” or not “following His laws”? That’s a horrible, ugly place to be in. I’ve been there.

For any women sitting at home going through this torture, I want you to remember this: It’s Not Your Fault.

I came across this brilliant blog post the other day. It’s brilliant because it’s true. And spot on.

I hate the fact that upstanding Christian women are torturing themselves over something their husbands did. I hate the fact that Christian folks who have never been through this sort of betrayal and abandonment think they have something to add to the conversation. I hate the fact that the things these Christian folks are adding to the conversation are words of guilt and shame and “It’s your responsibility to fix this”. (God bless them. I know they mean well, but unless you have found yourself in this situation, you cannot possibly give tips and pointers on how to progress out of a mess the spouse has left behind.)

Here’s a novel idea: Your spouse is responsible for the decisions he makes. He is responsible for his actions. He is responsible for the mess he has made. He is responsible for fixing it. No one is perfect in a marriage, but unless you stepped out on your husband, initiated an affair, lied to him about it and then walked away from the marriage and abandoned him… NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.  I don’t care if you nagged too much, or spent too much time in sweat pants or didn’t help out around the house enough or didn’t always appreciate the things he did for you. It’s still NOT YOUR FAULT. No amount of your adoration, beauty, and helpfulness was going to prevent him from doing what he did. He made his decisions. He is responsible for them. Not you. The same applies when the roles are reversed. Guys, if your wife cheated on you… it’s still NOT YOUR FAULT.

In the aftermath of the deceit, betrayal and abandonment, you are going to hear from well-meaning Christians who think they know what you should do. They will tell you that God hates divorce (He does) and that you must do all you can to keep the marriage together.

No, you do not.

While God does hate divorce, once a spouse has broken the vows of marriage and walked away from the marriage, sometimes you have no other choice than to divorce. If the offending spouse is truly repentant and taking steps to repair the marriage, then if you want to work on the marriage, by all means do. But if the offending spouse refuses to take responsibility for their actions, refuses to remedy the behavior and wants to continue the affair and walk away from the marriage, you no longer have any responsibility in keeping that marriage in tact. The subsequent divorce is on their head, not yours. God will not punish you or hold you responsible for your spouse’s sins and shortcomings. Unfortunately, if one spouse doesn’t value their vows before God, sometimes divorce just happens. It sucks, but it happens.

Now for the well-meaning Christians who think they know what you should do and want to offer Godly advice… Unless these well-meaning Christians have been through the same thing, they do not and cannot fathom the pain your spouse has caused through their deceit, betrayal and abandonment. Therefore, they should not be giving advice on things which they do not fully understand. These well-meaning Christians should certainly offer support and prayers… but NOT advice on what you should do. Their role right now is to support you, help you and pray for you. Not judge, chide, advise, exhort or question. (Well-meaning Christians… if you have never been in these circumstances, please keep your mouths shut and your advice to yourself unless it is solicited.)

Divorce does suck and it is certainly not God’s best for us. But if anyone understands what you’re going through, it’s Him. He will guide you, comfort you and give you wisdom on what to do next. But he will not blame or shame you. He understands and knows that this is NOT YOUR FAULT.

I have no title for this hissy fit.

Arghuuuugggggghhhhhhh!

%$#@&*%^$#@!%&*@!#

There are moments when all I want to do is gouge his eyes out with an old wooden spoon. And then maybe he’ll stop acting all “concerned” and “considerate” and “noble” and like “the bigger person”. Because seriously? The damage is done. No amount of concern or consideration is going to remedy the fact that you are a ridiculously large ass hat. Seriously, does he think I’m going to go around telling people how wonderfully considerate he was about filing for divorce? Really? REALLY?! “Yeah, he’s a total jerk-face loser, but he sure was sweet when we were filing for divorce.”

@$#!%&^*!%$@&%

I think the worst thing of all is that he thinks he’s sparing my feelings. As though I’m going to fall apart and realize, it really IS over?! DUDE. I HAVE NO FEELINGS ON THE MATTER ANYMORE. I JUST WANT IT OVER WITH. WHAT PART OF THIS DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? SPRECHEN SIE ENGLISCH?

BLAR. What an idiot.

I’m done now. It’s really not worth my time. I have to go put on my boyfriend jeans and look ridiculously ravishingly beautiful while staring at pictures of Jon Hamm now.

Friends and Freedom

So, this past weekend, I had the opportunity to take a quick trip to the big city and spend some time with a very dear friend. We shopped. We ate. We talked incessantly. It was fantastic.

It’s interesting, but during this minor detour of my life, I have discovered that there truly is a big difference between “friends” and “real friends”. Oh, we hear about it all the time. That the tough times show you who your real friends are… but I never had the opportunity to witness it until now. And it’s true. When life starts sucking, some people will stick by you and others will shrug, give their condolences and continue on their merry way. Especially when it comes to something like the ending of marriages. Especially when they’ve been friends with both of you.

It was definitely hurtful when my “couple friends” refused to “take sides” and instead offered their “prayers” and their “support” – clearly evident in their silence and lack of communication. At such a heartbreaking, hurtful time, the thing I needed most was for people to “take sides” – to tell me that what he did was wrong and inexcusable. That no “Christian” husband has a right to just walk away from their marriage vows to find their “true happiness”. That no matter what I needed – whether it be cake balls or a shotgun – they’d be there for me. Oh, and to tell me he’s an asshat, loser, and jerk and that I’m strong, beautiful and deserve so much better. Those are the friends you need during the devastating times. Surround yourself with those people – not the ones who will question you, blame you, second guess you, undermine you and your decisions. Because those are the ones who are the real, true friends.

And it was one of those friends I found myself spending the weekend with. It was fantastic and so very much needed. But it was weird too. Because this dear friend and her husband had been one of “our” very first “couple friends”. We did a lot together. I rarely ever saw them without the asshat. And now… well, the asshat was very much absent during this visit and for very good reasons. But it was weird. It felt weird to be single again. It felt weird to be visiting couple friends alone. It felt weird to climb into bed during such a visit without him. It was weird not to have someone to carry my bags in, to plan arrival and departure times with, to check in with.

And yet… it felt kind of exciting too. Because, I was free. I didn’t have to think about anyone else’s needs but my own. I didn’t have to worry about anyone else. I could make choices solely for myself. And… It. Was. Awesome.

Free!

New Name Game

Because I no longer feel comfortable referring to my husband as “my husband”, I’m considering new names for him. I’m creating a list of possible new names, plus I will consider any and all suggestions you guys have. Let me know your favorites.

  • What’s-His-Face
  • The-Guy-Formerly-Known-as-My-Husband
  • Ass Hat
  • The-Man-Whose-Name-I-Shall-Not-Speak
  • The Ex (entirely unoriginal but it gets the job done)
  • He-Just-Wasn’t-That-Into-Me
  • The Jerk
  • The-Guy-Not-Worth-Mentioning-But-I’m-Going-to-Anyway-Because-I-Need-to-Get-This-Off-My-Chest
  • Stupid
  • Skittles (mainly because it sounds girly and stupid)
  • Dumbass
  • Whore Face

That’s all I could come up with at this point.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Lemme know.

Happy Anniversary?

So, I just dropped my car off to be looked at. I actually got out of bed for this! And STAYED up! This is quite the accomplishment, peeps. Congratulate me.

It occurred to me after dropping the car off that I’ve never actually done anything like that before. Ever. And while that might sound like I have a piece of junk for a car because I never maintain it… the real story is that I’ve never had to maintain it. My husband… or whatever it is I should call him now… has always done that for me.

My husband (I really need to think of a new term for him…) was a total car nerd. I know no one with as much car knowledge as this guy. He could literally tackle any car problem put in front of him… I never had to bring my car in anywhere because he would take care of it himself. It saved oodles of money, and I was never concerned about car issues because I knew he could and would handle whatever came up. It’s funny, but just a few months ago I was thinking about how thankful I was that he was so good with cars… and that I didn’t know what I would do without him.

Ha! Was that some foreshadowing I should have picked up on? Clearly.

But now I have to take care of everything – including car “stuff” – on my own. It’s really an uncomfortable position to be in. I can no longer depend on him for anything. Anything. It’s all up to me now. And I think the most difficult part of the whole thing is that I literally do not know how I ended up in this position. There was no transition into this new life. No foreshadowing that it was even coming. Just *BAM*… new life… get used to it.

And now, on top of everything else… my anniversary is tomorrow. 6 years. Ha! 6 years?!  If you would have told me on my wedding day that we wouldn’t make it to the 6 year mark, I would have laughed in your face. Not only was my marriage going to last forever, but how hard is it to make it to the 6 year mark? Clearly, it’s very difficult for some of us. Like idiot husbands who can’t handle commitment and fidelity.

Seriously?! How the FLIP did I end up here?! I should be heading out for an anniversary weekend RiGHT NOW. I was so excited for our anniversary this year because we were finally – finally – going to be starting the life we had planned on. No more schooling, dead-end jobs, scraping by with zero money. Now we could look into getting a house, starting a family… you know, the good stuff! And now I’m sitting in my mom’s living room blogging about what an idiot my husband is?!

It’d be one thing if I had seen it coming. If the marriage had gone through an eventual decline and we had come to a mutual understanding. But this was totally out of left field. “I don’t love you anymore. I never loved you. I was faking it. Oh, and I think I want to be with my ex-girlfriend from college whom I’ve been having an emotional affair with for the last 6 months or so.”

It might sound stupid, but there were no signs. None! He was supportive and encouraging and loving and fun and caring up until the day I got that phone call. Why couldn’t I have had some kind of inkling? Something, anything to make this a little bit easier?

How does someone do that? Just walk away. Like none of it mattered. Ever. Like you never meant anything to them. Like they could care less. “Good luck! See ya around, pal!” Marriage vows mean nothing? We were just buds? Hanging out until something better came along? I don’t get it.

And the worst part of all of it? There is zero remorse from him. None. Nothing. It’s like talking to a robot. And when this all first happened, it killed me to listen to the guy who could get choked up over a car commercial show zero emotion to his wife and his partner. His attitude of, “Eh. No biggie. It happens.” is enough to make me… I don’t know… do horrible things.

I hate him. And yet I don’t. I hate the things he’s done. The nonchalance. The lack of remorse. The lack of empathy or consideration. I hate that I’m here. Writing this. I hate that he’s put me in this position. It’s all so ridiculously stupid.

So, happy anniversary, ass hat.