Like a record, baby. Right round, round, round.

Right now, I should be in a second grade classroom trying to get those hooligans to put away their math workbooks quietly, and then quietly clean up their space so they can get ready for recess.

But I’m not.

Instead, I’m here. Sitting at my computer. Writing to you guys.

Why?

Because… Vertigo.

It started at 3:00 am. I was woken up by something (probably my stupid cat), and greeted by a spinning room.

Spinning. Like a record, baby. Right round round round.

“NOOOOoooooooo!” I thought to myself. “I have to work in the morning! Go away, vertigo! Go away. Go away. Go awayyyyy…..”

And then I fell asleep.

When my alarm went off 3 hours later…

Spinning. Room.

I wasn’t even sitting up yet.

I closed my eyes again.

Room still spinning. Only not visually… just in my head. My head was spinning.

I closed my eyes tightly and rubbed them. Then opened them.

Room. Still. Spinning.

I sat up.

The spinning continued. Like I was ready to pin the tail on the donkey, but no one had spun me.

Do you know how annoying it is when you are unable to get your eyes to focus because the room is spinning?!

The spinning finally stopped and I stood up. The room had righted itself, but the floating, spinning feeling remained.

Crap. How am I supposed to teach a bunch of hyperactive, emotionally immature 2nd graders when I can’t even keep my balance?

So, I made the dreaded phone call. To the school. Apologizing profusely. But I couldn’t come in when I couldn’t even see straight. I didn’t want to fall and crush any 2nd graders. I normally wouldn’t cancel the day OF. I’m sorry I suck. I hope you can find a replacement. I have to go now. Room spinning again.

I’m sure they hated me. What kind of substitute teacher calls in an hour and a half before school to CANCEL? Me. Little Miss Bobble Head.

Crap.

I went back to bed and when I woke up the second time the spinning continued. Then it stopped. Then the floaty feeling started. Now any time the position of my head changes, the floating kicks in. And I really don’t want to lie down because that’s how the spinning starts.

I have a hair appointment at 4:30. I cannot miss it. I already had to reschedule once, and my hair is in desperate need of a trim. I’m just wondering how I’ll deal with having my hair washed. Oy.

Am I dying? I think I’m fine. I have no other symptoms. But I dare not look too much into WebMD for certainty that I will diagnose myself with Ebola.

I think it’s stress-related. I’m the kind of person who bottles everything up and sucks up all the anxiety and worries she can, and then holds onto it until she explodes 6 months later in a flurry of tears and obscenities. (It’s pretty impressive, actually. You should come watch the show sometime…) But until then, my stress and anxiety seeps out and manifests itself in weird ways. Like spinning rooms.

*sigh*

I just hope I’m not dying.

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Thoughts on Being Sick

So, you know when you die in a fiery car crash?

And they have to scrape your remains off the pavement?

And sometimes they put your remains under a heat lamp so the nearby forest animals can come and feast on said remains?

That’s sort of how I feel…

Only worse.

The sore throat started over the weekend, which then gave way to the longest and most constant sneezing jags known to man. Which then led to complete and total nasal congestion. Which, of course, resulted in sinus pain so intense I was fairly certain I needed to be rushed to the hospital so they could relieve the pressure buildup around my brain. And all of this is now leading to a delightful little cough which rears it’s ugly head whenever I laugh and/or breathe. Now, finally, I find myself in some fog-like, slow motion trance which I think has very little to do with the meds I just took because… well…

I’m sorry, what was I saying?

I blame this on the kindergarteners due to their uncanny ability to sneeze and/or cough directly into the mouths of otherwise healthy adults. It’s quite an amazing feat, actually. If I wasn’t so disgusted by it, I’d actually be impressed.

This whole thing would clear up a whole heck of a lot faster if I was inclined to sleep… which I’m not. Sleeping when one is sick is pretty much the worst. Sleep is the best thing known to man. Why ruin it by trying to do it when you feel like total crap? That just ruins the whole sleep experience. And who can sleep when they feel like crap? Certainly not me. That’s like wasting a trip to Disney World by standing in line for 16 hours in scorching heat surrounded by sweaty, smelly, tourists and not getting to go on any ride ever. Not even bumper cars. What’s the point in that? So again… what’s the point in sleeping when one is sick? It makes no sense.

I purchased some medicine to help me feel better, but because I am stupid I think I purchased the exact opposite of what I needed. I got AlkaSeltzer Plus for colds, but it was the nighttime edition. I thought “Why do I need something during the day? That’s just silly. I just need a good night’s sleep.” But it turns out this medicine has aspirin in it (like the real stuff, not the fake Acetaminophen stuff) which just led to me doing Google searches about Reye’s Syndrome and whether or not adults can get it and if so, what are the symptoms and was I sure I wasn’t just dying? So, then I just took a half dose and that left me feeling so ridiculously high that I’m fairly certain someone slipped some acid into my little “Plop-Plop, Fizz-Fizz” packet. So, once that wore off, I just took some Pseudoephedrine which wasn’t Pseudoephedrine at all, but rather some Phenylephrine which is good because Pseudoephedrine typically makes me feel like my head is going to explode at the exact same time my heart bursts right out of my chest, and since I don’t really feel like dying, I avoid it like the plague. So, now this Phenylephrine is kind of keeping the symptoms at bay, but mostly it’s just making me feel foggy and floaty and weird. And this is precisely why I avoid any and all medication when I’m sick… because usually it doesn’t help, and most of the time it just makes me feel worse.

SO… now I just wait for whatever horrible germs those sick little kindergarteners bestowed upon me to be flushed out of my system. And in the meantime, I fill all of you in on precisely how I am feeling and how exactly my recovery is going. Which, I know, must be ridiculously fascinating and so mentally stimulating that you must feel slightly overwhelmed. I totally understand. I have that effect on people.

SO… who wants to hear all about my most recent bout with constipation?

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The Trouble With Being Beautiful… *sigh*

For as long as I can remember I’ve had ridiculously sensitive skin.

And by sensitive, I mean of the sparkly vampire variety. And by the sparkly vampire variety, I mean if I were hit by a ray of light stronger than a 40 watt incandescent bulb, I would instantly be covered in boils. And that’s only a slight exaggeration.

In the summertime, if I do not slather sunscreen with an SPF of 60 or higher all over my pasty white body, within 20 minutes I will break out in bright, red, itchy hives. Sometimes those bright, red, itchy hives turn into an eczema flare up. And then the fun really starts. Even in the dead of winter, when there is no sunlight to be found, the dry air does a number on my skin, and I am forced to continuously lather moisturizers all over myself just to keep my skin calm and not inadvertently induce a flareup.

SO, when people compliment me on my beautiful porcelain complexion, I smile, nod, and think to myself, “Oh, you have no idea the lengths I go to to maintain this, sister.”

I kind of hate it. I always wanted to be one of these girls who could go to the tanning salon and add some sun-kissed perfection to their already perfect olive complexion. Instead I’m stuck in some pasty-white, sunlight-averse, ginger’s body, but I don’t even get the benefit of having a beautiful shock of copper-colored hair. How is that fair?! It’s not. It’s just not.

Anyway… there is a point to all of this… and the point is this…

Well, I can’t really get to the point until I explain a little further so just chill and be patient. I’m getting there. I’d get there a lot faster if you’d stop interrupting me but… whatever.

So, this sensitive skin which has been the bane of my existence since… forever… has recently progressed to affect even my eyes. As in, now, thanks to a mysterious turn of events, I am unable to wear any kind of eye makeup what-so-ever without the skin around my eyes turning red, itchy, swollen and if I scratch too much, flaky. It’s just… you know… um…

NOT FAIR?!

DUDES. My eyes are pretty much my best feature, and now I’m forced to wear my nerdy, librarian glasses (which are totally hot by the way, but still…) just to avoid putting makeup on and causing my skin to totally and completely FREAK OUT.

I mean… WHAT?! Beautiful, porcelain skin, my ass. Try ridiculously high-maintenance, pain in the ass, skin. Which… just sounds odd so let’s not call it that but… SERIOUSLY?

*sigh*

Okay, so my point is…

I really miss being able to put on makeup and not having to cover up my face with my nerdy, librarian glasses (which are still totally hot by the way…).  Which is why I am asking for advice… help… magic potions… pretty much anything that will help me remedy this problem. Are there types of makeup out there that work really well with über sensitive skin? Are there lotions, creams and moisturizers that work wonders on sensitive skin? (I swear I’ve tried them all, but I’m open to any and all suggestions…) Are there home remedies and quick fixes that you swear by and are willing to share with little ol’ me? Seriously, guys, I need some help here before I tear my skin completely off. So, let me know.

In the meantime, I’m going to slather some more cream around my eyes. I mean, eventually something’s gotta work… right?

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I swear, kids… I will drop-kick you.

If you little buggars got me sick… there are no two ways about it… I will drop-kick you.

By the time lunchtime rolled around today, I could feel the mucus draining, running down my throat, causing this horrible scratchy sensation back there that no amount of cold coffee could fix.

So, I came home and took some extra Vitamin C. And some cough drops. For dinner, I will be having an orange and some orange juice. I have made it this far without getting sick… I will not be taken down by one stinkin’ class. No way. No how. Not gonna happen.

I’m always extra careful too. Since I don’t always have time to wash my hands throughout the morning, I am always on high alert about not touching my face – definitely not my eyes and not my mouth. I do not touch any food without thoroughly washing my hands first. I took all the necessary precautions. I’m going to be fine. This is just my body playing tricks on me. I have another class tomorrow. I will be taking quintuple the recommended dose of Vitamin C. I will stay hydrated. I will get rest. After one day, I will not have some sort of idiotic cold take me out.

I. Am. Ready.

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Gas Station Cocoa

I ran into the gas station to pick up some hot cocoa for myself. (Don’t you judge. Just because I didn’t have time to stand in line at the coffee shop for half an hour, or spend my morning hand-crafting some environmentally-friendly, totally organic cocoa does NOT make me a bad person. And yes, I know there’s all kinds of crap in gas station hot cocoa… I just don’t care. I was cold, OKAY?! BACK OFF.)

Anyway… where was I? Oh, yes. Gas station cocoa. Um… so, I went to get some cocoa. And somehow, someway, I got ridiculously distracted and instead of getting a lid from the lid dispenser, I used the lid sitting on top of the lid dispenser.

Um…

WHAT?

That is NOT okay. Annie does not do things like this. Annie would have thrown that lid away and taken a fresh lid from the dispenser. WHAT THE HELL WAS ANNIE THINKING?!

I didn’t even think anything of it until I got it home and put my lips to the lid and…

UGH…. REALLY?!

And yet, I continue to drink it. Because it tastes good. And I’m cold. And I’m on my period. (I swear to you, it didn’t even occur to me to take the freakin’ lid off until just this second…)

There. It’s off. It’s in the trash. Why is my brain not firing on all cylinders? Take the freakin’ lid off… seriously? What the heck is wrong with me???

I also took a copious amount of Vitamin C to ward off any flesh eating bacteria or Ebola that may have been on that lid. (See? I told you my brain was misfiring…)

I feel totally creeped out now.

Meh. At least the gas station cocoa tastes decent.

It’s beginning to look a lot like…

A certain stress-induced insanity, many of us continue to fondly refer to as Christmas.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Every. Dang. Year. And every year, once the dust has settled and the credit card bills start rolling in, and we’re left licking our wounds, we vow to never do it again. But, of course, it never sticks. And somewhere, around mid-December, the stress begins to build and the list of “Have Tos” gets ever-longer, and before we know it, it’s December 23rd and we’ve either worked ourselves into such a frenzy that we’re at risk of developing an ulcer, contracting the flu, or experiencing a massive coronary, OR we’re just so dang tired and cranky that the thought of actually enjoying the holidays seems a distant memory or a mere twinkle in our eye back in November.

It’s craziness, people. And it’s not worth it. Putting our health, our happiness, and our peace at risk for what? A couple days of celebration which never turns out as picture-perfect as we had planned on anyway? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can’t we learn to simplify? Why can’t we just let it go? Who cares if the packages aren’t wrapped and the tree isn’t fully decked out and the food isn’t ready? That’s not what Christmas is about. It’s about a wonderful gift being given to us… a gift of hope and love and life. And we totally miss the point and go on our greedy little binges trying to be perfect, making ourselves miserable in the end. And for what? You know, as long as you have people around you that you love, and a safe, warm place to sleep, and some food to fill your belly… let’s call it a win and cut all this other crap out. It’s just not worth it.

Who’s with me?

Christmas hasn’t even made an appearance at my house people.

She’s MIA. AWOL. Kidnapped. A run away. A no-show. Gone.

Probably because we haven’t really invited her in.

Except for this:

2014-12-07 11.42.43My mini tree in my bedroom.

It’s a shame. I’m usually such a Christmas freak. I’m all like, “It’s Christmas, bitches! Let’s celebrate!”

And this year I’m all like, “I have a full plate of subbing jobs, car repairs, divorce papers, gift getting, and health insurance to wade through, bitches! Everybody calm down!”

It doesn’t help that my roommate (aka Mother) is kind of an Eeyore when it comes to celebrations. So, that puts a major damper on things.

Plus, the fact that I have been feeling dizzy and light-headed for the last WEEK doesn’t help things either.

Yes. Dizzy. And light-headed. For a week.

Now before everyone throws up their hands in a panic, all Southern Belle-style and starts wailing and wringing their hands about “Oh, she’s a goner!” understand that I have had bouts of dizziness and minor vertigo in the past. Further understand that I have no other symptoms. Also understand that the dizziness and light-headedness only occurs when I stand up, sit down or otherwise change the position of my head. Please also take into consideration the fact that my sinuses have been clogged like a mo-fo for MONTHS thanks to some mysterious allergy I cannot identify. Also, I have issues with staying hydrated AND I may have gone off my anxiety meds because I knew I could not afford to get them refilled. SO… taking all that into consideration, I’m fairly certain that I have not had a stroke, nor do I have a brain tumor. However, I do not want to go see a doctor for $500 to have them tell me, “Yeah, looks like an inner ear thing. Good luck with that.” So… I’m gonna wait it out. (Why am I telling you this? So you can talk me down from the anxious perch I find myself stranded on thanks to going off my anxiety medication. I talk a good game, but I occasionally freak out on the inside. Go ahead. Tell me I’m fine and prescribe me some herbal remedies. Seriously. Kay. Thanks.)

Wait. Wasn’t I talking about my lack of Christmas? Oh. Yes.

About that… I’m going to go Christmas the crap out of the living room archway with some twinkle lights and garland.

Later.