Iced Vanilla Lattes and Blueberry Mini Scones

You guys…

Can we just pause a moment and talk about the phenomenal Iced Vanilla Latte and Blueberry Mini Scone I just finished?

Because… those two things pretty much made my Saturday. (Thus, the reason I capitalized their names.) Pretty much the only thing better might be an Iced Mocha and White Chocolate Raspberry Mini Scone.

I’ve been on an “Iced Coffee-Type Drink Thingy and Scone” kick for quite some time. Funny, because I always thought I hated scones, and then one day that’s all they had left in the case at the coffee shop and I hadn’t had breakfast so I figured, “What the heck…” And then I had one and my life pretty much changed forever.

True story.

But now both those phenomenal food items are gone… because I ate them… and now my life is just a little bit sadder and the day a little bit grayer.

images

On the upside, I have another Jon Verdon book to keep me company on this rainy day and a copy of “On the Beach” waiting to be picked up at the library. So, I shan’t be sad for too long. (Has anyone read “On the Beach”? By Nevil Shute? I read it in high school. It’s phenomenal. You should totally read it. Because I said so. What, like you need another reason? Puh-lease.)

In other news, my interview yesterday went amazingly well. I pretty much fell in love with the school and the people I met there. But I’m trying not to get my hopes up. So, every time I start to fantasize about how much I would love to work there, I remind myself that even if they DO want me, the pay might be so minimal that I would have to save up for all those Iced Vanilla Lattes and Blueberry Mini Scones I love so much. And then I come crashing back down to reality. Oddly enough, it seems to be working…

In other-other news, Winston has claimed my desk chair as his “New Favorite Sleeping Spot”. Which means, the minute I vacate the chair, he has taken my place. It would be cute if he didn’t leave his fur all over everything all the time… so much fur that I could easily make sweaters for at least 79% of the world’s population. (You think I’m kidding, but I’m totally not…) And then the second I sit back down my butt gets coated with all this cat fur, and then I go to the coffee shop and can’t figure out why everyone is suddenly staring at my furry butt. *sigh* Pet ownership is hard, you guys…

My point? Ha! That’s a good one… you guys crack me up.

Later, gators.

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Unleashing the Monster Within

I’ll be honest.

I’ve eaten nothing but crap the past couple of days.

It all started with the white chocolate raspberry scone and vanilla iced latte yesterday morning in a desperate bid to get out the door as quickly as possible to get some shopping done.

That was followed by a Coke, my very first Reuben sandwich and bottomless fries at around 3:30 – famished after a day of obsessive makeup shopping.

That evening may have consisted of a few dozen Jelly Bellies (I LOVE JELLY BELLIES… OM, NOM, NOM, NOM…), two servings of mesquite barbecue kettle chips and a square of 85% dark chocolate. (Why anyone insists on eating this chocolate-like substance is baffling and frightening to me. Clearly, it is an acquired taste…)

Today began with two blueberry buttermilk pancakes the size of man-hole covers, three strips of bacon, and two cups of coffee. That was followed by a ham sandwich this afternoon, more kettle chips, more Jelly Bellies, and another square of 85% chocolate in an attempt to acquire said-taste.

Why am I telling you this? Because I feel guilty and horrified that I have been eating this way. I NEVER eat this way. And yet, I’m all…

Because I feel like I can’t stop. I feel like my Aunt Flo stopped in for a visit three and a half week early. I feel like I’m battling a tapeworm.

IT’S OUTTA CONTROL, PEOPLE.

All I can think about is food now. Those stupid Jelly Bellies are just sitting there taunting me. Those kettle chips are calling my name. I’m trying to down as much water as is humanly possible yet not dangerous in a bid to calm the hunger pains that aren’t even hunger pains as much as they are a downright obsession and compulsion.

MUST. EAT. ALL. FOOD. IN. SIGHT.

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME?!

I have unleashed the monster within, peeps. And it’s not coming back to its cage anytime soon…

See? I told you life was hard.

*sigh*

 

Eating my weight in crap food

So, while I’ve been waiting to hear back about the job, I’ve taken up a new hobby:

Eating my weight in crap food.

It’s pretty fantastic. And an awesome stress reliever.

This new hobby probably has a little something to do with my Aunt Flo coming to visit, but I probably can’t blame everything on her. (Actually, that’s not true. Actually, I can blame everything on her. I wonder if anyone has used this as a defense during a criminal trial. I mean, when you think about it, women are probably at their homicidal-ragiest when their Aunt Flo is visiting. I’d like to see that play out in trial. I’ll bet Lorena Bobbitt could have gotten off scott-free with that defense…)

Sorry… what was I saying?

Oh, yes. Eating my weight in crap food. Normally, I would blame this on Aunt Flo, but I try to spread the wealth every now and then, and so I’ve decided to blame some of it on the waiting game.

Waiting is hard.

But you know what is delicious?

MINT OREOS.

Plus, the mint in those babies, is like… DOUBLE STUFFED. None of this ‘thin layer of mint’ crap. No. There’s like… A LOT of mint in those things.

OOH… do they have Mint Oreo Blizzards? If not, they totally should. Those things would be amazing. I’d live off those things. I’d put on 300 pounds with those things. Seriously… why do they not have those things?! Get on it, will you Dairy Queen?!

Boo… I guess they do have those things. I guess I won’t be making millions off my totally worthwhile and completely original idea. Thanks a lot, Dairy Queen. Guess I should get to work putting on those 300 pounds…

Actually, you know what I should be doing right now? Yoga. I hear it’s an excellent stress reliever.

You know what’s also an excellent stress reliever?

Not doing yoga when your Aunt Flo is visiting.

Looks like I’m heading to Dairy Queen.

 

 

7 Ridiculous Reasons to Feel Bitter

Ever had one of those days where the funk you woke up in just gets deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and no matter how many times or how many ways you try to pull yourself out of it you just keep sinking lower and lower and lower and lower until the only reaction you can muster about anything is just…

MER?

No? You’ve never had one of those days? Well, my-my… isn’t life just peachy keen for you?

To recap, I really have absolutely nothing to feel bitter and crabby about except for any and all of the following (which I realize are totally ridiculous and unjustified, but as far as 1st world problems go, they’re pretty major if you ask me…):

  • It is raining. It will not stop raining. I have not seen the sun in 3 days. It appears as though May has taken the rest of the month off, and March is filling in for him. Screw you, May! I need some sunshine. I can’t take this anymore. Do you realize how freakishly long this winter has been? DO YOU?!

Quite literally.

  • I haven’t heard back about the teaching position yet. The application window closed on Friday. FRIDAY. It is now the following Thursday. Why they have not yet picked up the phone and begged me to take the open position is beyond me. What are you waiting for, peeps? I think your choice is pretty obvious. Why fight it? This is obviously fate.
  • I have not taught for a week. A WEEK, PEOPLE. That’s like… 5 weeks in dog years… er… weeks. Either way, it’s a LONG FREAKIN’ TIME. And I’m sorry, but I am just not myself when I don’t have 20+ students poking me, crying for mom, throwing hissy fits, demanding my attention, picking their noses, and behaving like squirrels on crack. I mean… as crazy as those little buggars are… I’m just not myself when I can’t teach.
  • I might be starting my summer job as soon as next week. Seeing as the school year is quickly winding down and the subbing gigs are getting fewer and farther between, it just makes sense to stop the maddening descent into irreversible boredom before it gets any worse and just jump right into the next thing. (I had no idea how Type A I was. When I’m not busy, things get ugly.) However, the new summer job will require interacting with customers, the majority of whom have left their brains at home while they go on vacation. This then subjects me to their utter stupidity and insipid questions. And no matter how well I try to hide it, my body language cannot conceal my total contempt for these idiots.

Just… Go away.

  • To further illustrate just how bored I am, I am now aware of the fact that Prince Harry’s favorite food is spaghetti as well. WHY DO I KNOW THIS INFORMATION? Because I am THAT BORED. I embarrass even myself. (Except that it gets even worse in that I watched his interview about wanting a real job and children, after which I became inexplicably enraged when the media started making Bridget Jones comparisons and comments about “broody” male crap…) Oh, dear GAWD, I do not care! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME?!  I’m pathetic. There is no excuse for such pathetic behavior. I should just crawl in a hole and hide. I can’t believe I just admitted this to you people. GAH.

  • It looks like the vacant house down the street from me has been inhabited. By a former high school classmate. By a particularly popular former high school classmate.  A classmate with 2 beautiful children, a husband, and a dog. Honestly, I would have preferred a serial killer move in next door than this person. The last thing I need right now is for a former classmate to come over to “catch up”. What is there to catch up on? Your life is clearly awesome and mine is not. You win. Clearly, you win. (Not that anyone is keeping score… except that we totally are… why else would we have Facebook?)

Oh, Jeremy…

I’d keep going, but I feel like I have sufficiently embarrassed myself enough for one day. Or a whole week. Heck, an entire lifetime. Yeah. That sounds about right. Let’s go with that.

Here’s to a better day tomorrow. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go reheat some left over spaghetti and try not to cry.

 

Gif Sources: ihkdotgif.tumblr.com, ramennoodlefantasy.tumblr.com, karamigo.tumblr.com, www.reddit.com, ingvildmis.tumblr.com, http://wolfsrainctuary.tumblr.com/post/34960648171/oh-no-its-nearly-one-in-the-morning

Trendy foods I do not understand and probably never will

I never realized food could be trendy. Apparently, it’s a thing. Foods that weren’t so popular back in the day can make a comeback. Foods never before noticed are suddenly labelled “super” foods. Health and fitness gurus latch onto a food and pretty soon it’s everywhere, and it’s up to us mere plebians to jump through the hoops to “stay in the know” about these new, trendy foods that all the cool people are eating.

I hate it. Worse yet, I don’t understand it. Apparently, I’m a simple mid-western girl when it comes to my food. If it was eaten back in the 1950s I’m probably still eating it (yes, including bologna and white bread because despite their unhealthy nature, they sure are delicious…). Every time one of these trends comes along I’m all, “Ooh! I should try/buy/make a meal with that!” but my inner monologue is all, “Mer. You know you’re not going to…” My inner monologue is usually right. Mainly because the new foods are… weird. And I don’t understand them. If I can’t differentiate whether it’s a grain, a fruit, a veggie, a dairy product or a nutritional supplement, why would I dish out $25 for a half teaspoon of it? I mean… really? Not gonna happen.

For instance, some of the foods I do not understand include (but are by no means limited to…)

Quinoa:

I don’t even know how to say this word. So, I say Quinones. Like, as in John, from 20/20. I have no idea what this food is. Is it a grain? A veggie? For some reason, when I say this word, I picture a small green ball, some sort of cross between a lime and a kiwi. And yet, I know that’s incorrect.

quinoa

Who knew?

It’s a grain. Used for what, I have no clue. I’m going to guess it aids in weight loss. It’s probably one of these super seeds that packs a punch of protein or… something of that sort. But again, it’s totally foreign to me. I might as well be looking at an extra-terrestrial life form. Does. Not. Compute. So, why would I eat it?

Kale:

What’s the big deal about kale, anyway? What, it has tons of vitamins and protein? Doesn’t spinach as well? Why is kale so special? Why does it get to be the prom queen? I have a feeling kale is like the asparagus of the 90s. Was asparagus a thing in the 90s? I seem to remember it got kind of big there for a while… but what do I know? I was still eating veggies out of a can.

Kale

You wish you were this cool.

Yup, apparently it is so super cool it helps you lose weight and grow angel wings too! I’ll stick to spinach. Spinach is just as cool. Why should kale have all the fun?

Coconut Oil:

I get it. It’s amazing for your skin and hair and way better for you than any other cooking oil. But I’m perfect happy with my extra virgin olive oil, and I honestly can’t come to terms with cooking with something that most people slather on their skin for tanning purposes.

Coconut OIl

I’m sure you’re amazing, Coconut Oil. But, nothing is ever going to happen between us.

Plus, let’s just face it. I’m too lazy to even bother looking when I’m at the grocery store.

Cilantro:

Let’s just get this out of the way so there’s no confusion. I hate cilantro. Ever since someone tried to put it in my salsa, I have hated it with the passion of a thousand burning suns. No one asked you to decimate the beauty of that natural flavors of salsa, Cilantro! I don’t even understand why you exist. You taste limey and bitter. Not once have I ever uttered something like, “Hm… this meal is delicious! If only it tasted a little more limey and bitter!”  Nope.

Cilantro

Go away, Cilantro. Nobody wants you here.

Avocados and/or Guacamole:

Um, first of all, avocados taste like grass. Why buy avocados to eat when you can just feast in your own backyard? Furthermore, guacamole is simply that same grass flavor mashed up as a dipping sauce. How is that tasty? “Mmmm… grass. My favorite.” And yet everyone raves about guacamole. “Where’s the guac?!” What is that? Now you have to have a trendy new nickname for it too? Because you are that cool? And why is the meat of the avocado all mushy? Ew. What are they, the legumes of the fruit family? It’s always something with you two, isn’t it? Well, I for one am not buying it.

Avocado Guacamole

Really? WHAT ARE YOU?!

I mean, c’mon. You’ve been around for how long now and I still haven’t purchased you? Yeah, probably never going to happen.

I know that last one is going to wreak havoc with most readers. “HOW DO YOU NOT LOVE GUACAMOLE?!” I know. I can handle it. I like to live life on the edge. Bring it.

What are some foods you don’t understand? Or are you a total foodie who rushes out every time a new one comes on the scene? (I hate you, by the way. No, I don’t. Not really. Only sort of.) I guess I’m just too un-cool for all the cool foods. I mean, I still feel like a hipster when I eat yogurt so… yeah.

Sugar: You’re doing it wrong.

World Health Organization Lowers Sugar Intake Recommendations

sugarUm, why was I not informed of this? When did this happen? And where was I when it happened? (Probably hiding from my students, stuffing my face full of cake doughnuts in the teachers’ lounge if memory serves…)

The new recommended amount of sugar a woman should consume every day is 25 grams. Or 6 teaspoons.

Um… I guess I’ve been doing it wrong?

6 teaspoons? You’re sure it’s TEASPOONS? Not tablespoons? Maybe you’re confusing teaspoons with cups… That happens to me a lot. Teaspoon, cup… it’s hard to keep straight. Pretty sure you’re talking cups here. Not teaspoons. Cups. It’s okay. Common mistake. Happens to me all the time.

Because honestly, if you’re talking teaspoons, I should have died by now.

You see, my mother and I had gotten into the habit of eatig Oreos (Double Stuf of course) and Mounds Bars and drinking Coca Cola on a daily basis. And maybe we’d throw in a couple of Twizzlers and Chocolate Parfait Nips for good measure. A good time was had by all.

And then my mother turned to me and said, “I wonder what the recommended daily intake of sugar is?”

So, I pull out my phone and I ask “What is the daily recommended intake of sugar?”

Sweet mother of God.

25 grams?

I pulled out the Mounds Bars. “Hm… ”

I pulled out the Oreos. “Huh.”

I pulled out the Twizzlers. “Ahahahaha… ha.”

I pulled out the Nips. “Whaaaa?”

I pulled out the Coke. “WHAT THE WHAT?!”

And then imagine my response when I pulled out the yogurt I thought was healthy and read that label.

Something to the effect of, “@#)$(*&!@#^_)@#$(*&^%$!”

I didn’t even have the guts to add up the amount of sugar we had been consuming. It was probably over 100 grams. When the daily recommended amount is 25.

We should seriously have died a couple weeks ago.

When you start reading labels, it’s amazing how much sugar is in everything. Holy Crappers… It’s everywhere! You can’t escape it. You actually need to make a concerted effort to get it out of your diet.

So, my mother and I stopped eating all that crap. The first few days were torture. All I could think about were Oreos and Mounds Bars. But then, once you start tapering off and get it out of your system, you don’t find yourself missing it as much. Except when you’re on your period and you’re hangry all the time. (You might as well hook an IV of sugar water up to me just to keep me happy.)

I seriously had no idea I was consuming that much sugar. And honestly? I’ve been doing pretty well avoiding it and replacing it with natural sugars from fruit. Except for last night. When I went out to dinner with the girls. 1 and a half glasses of Coke and the largest slice of Lemon Cream Cake I have ever seen in my life later, I’m pretty sure I failed. And last week, when the craft fair was selling Kettle Corn and Funnel Cakes? Well, it wasn’t my finest moment. But at least I’m trying.

25 grams, huh? If I hadn’t confirmed it with multiple sources, I would’ve thought CBS News was pulling my leg.

25 grams. Clearly I was doing it wrong.