Ugly Crying on the Beach

If I ever write a book, I think I’m going to title it, “Ugly Crying on the Beach”.

Catchy, right?

I know. I’m so stinkin’ creative.

Anyway, you know that awesome vacation I was so super excited about?

Well, much of it was spent ugly crying on the beach. Not entirely unlike this:

ugly crying

I mean… Ew.

Why, you ask?

WHY?! Why would I spend most of my vacation if not actually ugly crying, then trying not to ugly cry on the beach?

Because…

Because…

Well, for starters…

I mean…

It was all…

Okay, looking back, none of these things probably actually warranted ugly crying on the beach… in front of everyone…

But at the time…

I was all discombobulated and overwhelmed and overwrought.

There was the allergic reaction over half my body had to the sun.

Yes, THE SUN.

The big, burning globe up in the sky? Yeah. Apparently, that side note that the doctor mentioned three years ago about me having a slight allergy to the sun? Yeah… apparently, that’s an actual THING. Which is why over half my body broke out into these hideous boil-like swollen hives… that had to be iced and aloed and calmed the frick down with lots and lots of Benedryl.

I mean… it was ridiculous. I put on a bathing suit for the first time in a decade and my entire body decided to revolt. So, of course, I had to spend the rest of the trip covered up underneath umbrellas, popping Benedryl and keeping any sun exposure down to a minimal.

Meanwhile, in other parts of the beach condo, Jack’s chillens were all spazzing because apparently he was spending more time on the vacation with me than he was with them, and so they brain-stormed these crazy elaborate plans to manipulate every possible situation so as to keep me at arm’s length and make it known that just because it was okay for me to hang out with them at home… vacations were a completely different beast and I just needed to…

bye

GET OUT.

Even though… in my defense… I barely saw the guy all vacation. And every time he would even venture to sit near me, there were dislocated shoulders and projectile vomiting and pandemonium and chaos of near apocalyptic proportions… all in an attempt to keep him away from me. And if we did manage to sneak in a moment here or there, there ensued a great wailing and gnashing of teeth about how he never spent time with them and they’d barely seen them all week and this was the worst vacation ever. And I was all trying to figure out what happened to the previously wonderful kiddos I had grown to know and love. Apparently, they had decided to take a vacation too… while the cyborgs filling in for them plotted my demise.

And then of course there was the food poisoning from a local waffle place, trying to be on my best behavior because I was on vacation not only with my guy’s kids, but also his parents, and the constant bickering, complaining and drama coming from the pre-teens. Oh, and apparently, while I was away, every work e-mail that has ever existed in the history of work e-mails needed to be answered that week… and also, there was the homeless meth head wandering the halls of my apartment building in my absence…

So… YAY!!!

So, by the time my sister called to see how things were going, I was all…

crying

Can I go home now?

Suffice to say, it was wonderful coming home to more screaming kids to nanny and even more confused kids to tutor.

Apparently, I needed a vacation from my vacation.

And now that everything is back to normal (Jack’s chillens no longer hate me, and my skin is no longer breaking out… although it is still in the process of healing from that horrible, ugly sun) I want to go back and try it all over again.

*sigh*

Geeze, Annie… you’re just never happy, are you?

 

 

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Nowhere to sit

Remember that time in junior high when you were looking for a place to sit in the lunch room, and the people you normally sat with were all away at band camp or on a field trip or home sick or you just didn’t have any friends and you genuinely couldn’t find any place to sit because you just didn’t belong?

That actually happened to me at my Mom’s funeral.

I had just gotten my cake and coffee… (Which is truly weird that the local grocery store provided complimentary “refreshments” in the form of cake at a funeral. What is that? Cakes are usually congratulatory things. What is the take away from a cake at a funeral?

Congratulations on your achievement!

Way to go!

Best wishes!

You did it!

Weird, right?)

ANYWAY, I digress. I had just gotten my cake and coffee and I looked out over the church social hall and…

I had nowhere to sit.

I couldn’t sit with those people. They had their group.

I couldn’t sit with these people. They had a group too.

Those people… sure… but… that would just be uncomfortable.

In a sea of family members, friends and acquaintances, I genuinely had nowhere to sit.

Typically, I would have sat with my husband or my mom.

And one had taken off with a married mother of three and the other was lying in a casket upstairs so…

What now?

I remember I froze. And I almost dropped my cake and my coffee and took off running.

But I didn’t.

Instead, I awkwardly wandered over to where my eldest sister and her family were sitting. I awkwardly sat down. And I awkwardly said, “Can I sit with you guys? I don’t actually have any family here to sit with.”

And my sister grabbed my hand and said, “We’re your family and we will always be there for you.”

And as I tried to choke back the tears I remember thinking… “Sure. Until I you head back to California and I only see you once every three years.” But instead, I just said, “Thanks.”

But that cynical thought? Not so cynical anymore.

Since that funeral, I’ve seen my siblings maybe once if I’ve been lucky. Two live on opposite ends of the country. One wants to move to South America. And numbers five and six are so busy with their own families they hardly have time to feed their own children, let alone set up time to see their youngest sister.

It’s a miserable existence.

I saw no one for Easter.

I saw no one for my birthday.

Thanksgiving was a forced issue that turned into an awkward obligatory occasion that only happened because Mom had passed a mere matter of weeks prior.

A couple of people gave some half-hearted invitations for Christmas… except for the one good sister who I actually went to visit.

And now, another holiday rears its ugly head and I’m forced to answer questions from well-meaning friends and coworkers who ask, “What are you doing for the Fourth? Is your family getting together?”

And instead of being honest and telling them, “No. We don’t see each other anymore.” I just nod and smile and say, “Yep!” Because admitting the truth is just too pathetic.

How did I become the person with nowhere to sit? No one to visit? No one who cares?

I don’t mean to have a pity party, but I’m embarrassed to admit that I was thrilled when a coworker noticed a creepy stalker guy sniffing around and had a few words with him on my behalf. Seriously? I’m that overjoyed about someone caring enough about me to tell a guy to buggar off?

I need my family back. And if they’re not interested, I need a make-shift family. I need some people who actually care. I need more than my cat.

Because I genuinely have nowhere to sit.

 

 

 

S’up, Blogosphere?

S’up, blogosphere? First of all, let me apologize for my extended absence. I mean… seriously, Annie? You never write anymore. Everyone hates you. No one even cares anymore… loser.

Which I’m sure is partially true, but I have missed writing, so I think it’s best if I get back to it, you know?

So, let’s get caught up, shall we?

  • I returned yesterday from a visit with my Sister Who Lives Far Away. It was the first time I had flown since high school and pre 9/11. It was the first time I had flown all by myself. And even though I was a bit nervous, I discovered I LOVE flying. I get to sit there and READ and THINK and STARE OFF INTO SPACE and COLLECT MY THOUGHTS while someone else does all the work of getting me to my destination. It’s BRILLIANT. I never got to fly when I was married to the ass-hat. He was always, “But flying is so boring, you don’t get to see anything…” Which I found totally absurd because who wants to drive 15 to 20 hours to a destination and have to endure the torture of seeing nothing but farm fields through most of the central U.S.? That’s not fun. That’s mind-numbingly boring. So, it turns out, I love to fly. Especially with Delta. They give complimentary snacks… which is awesome. And even getting through security wasn’t that bad. The TSA agents were quite lovely, I have to say.
  • My dyed-in-the-wool protestant family are horrified to discover that I am curious about Catholicism and considering joining the Catholic church. Except, I haven’t admitted that to most of them… you know… because of the “horrified” part. Turns out, I love what I’ve seen about the Catholic church. I don’t know if I’ll actually join or not… but it’s on the agenda of things that need addressing.
  • Father McCutie is still as adorable as ever. The crush has not subsided. However, just so we’re clear, that is NOT why I’m considering joining the Catholic Church. It truly has nothing to do with him… or anyone else. He’s just cute, that’s all.  *sigh*
  • I still have not fully mourned my mother’s passing. I have zero feeling when it comes to that topic… and I don’t know why. It’s not like we had a bad relationship. In fact, it was just the opposite. That woman was my best friend and we were ridiculously close. And yet… nothing. No tears. No sobbing. No depression. It’s weird. My family is falling apart around me and I’m all… fine. I hate myself for that. I know people grieve in different ways, but it’s like after the funeral, I was all done. Who does that? I think I’m broken.
  • I’m still hopelessly in love with this job that pays me diddly-squat. I seriously have never been so happy in a job. It’s actually kind of gross and nauseating. I’m pretty sure people are sick of me talking about my kiddos and my school and my church… but honestly, if I wasn’t talking about that, I’d be talking about Winston and nobody wants to hear about my cat. Who is quite well, by the way. Thank you for asking.

ANNNNDDDD… I think that about covers it. For now. I’ll have more to write once school starts back up. Which I know you’re hopelessly excited about.

Holy crappers this was a boring post. What? It takes a while to get back into the swing of things. Give me a break, blogosphere. Give. Me. A break.

 

The You-Know-What Has Just Hit the Fan

I know I’ve been MIA more often than usual.

I also know I’ve been harrible at maintaining my weekly “Hmm…” post.

I also haven’t taken the time to visit my bloggity peeps to tweet and retweet their content and all the fun stuff that comes with having a blog.

For any and all of the above, I apologize.

Some of it has been the new school year, and trying to keep my head screwed on straight.

Some of it has been to wrap my mind around the you-know-what that has just hit the fan.

You see, I just found out on Friday that my mom is sick. Sick with the “c” word.

I absolutely hate my life right now. If I could, I would bury my head in the sand and not pop back up for another year and a half until the storm has passed. If I could, I would avoid all of this. I’ve never been one to run away from things, but this? This is worthy of running away from. Not that running away would accomplish much of anything, but it would help me out immensely right now.

I don’t know details about much of anything… and honestly, I don’t know that I want to know any details. All I know is that I’m clinging to my faith like never before, and praying and praying and praying for a miracle. Because I can’t do this again. I just can’t. Being an orphan does not sound like much fun. So, I’m keeping my focus on Him, on His word, on His promises, on His goodness and grace and trusting Him to turn this around for good. Because I just can’t do anything else right now.

I’ve been asking close friends to pray. They promise they will. Then they go about with their lives as usual. Which inexplicably enrages me. I want to scream, “WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON IS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING HUGELY DIFFICULT RIGHT NOW? HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE?! HOW CAN YOU BE SO SELFISH?!”

And then I realize that that is silly and stupid. Other peoples’ lives don’t stop because you’re dealing with something hard. But I wish they would. Because that only seems fair.

So, if you’re of the praying Christian persuasion, I would really appreciate some prayers. Prayers for healing. Prayers for faith.

I’ll try to write when I can.

Later, peeps.

 

 

Insert something pithy and insightful here…

Because I have nothing.

So, you guys are going to need to fend for yourselves for one more day.

Okay, maybe two more days.

Scratch that…

Five more days.

Maybe six. Possibly seven.

But definitely not eight. Definitely not eight…

Unless

No, I won’t torture you with eight.

Unless something really pressing comes up.

Anyway… my point being…

Screw it. I have no point.

It’s too hot to have a point.

I’m kind of dying over here peeps.

Clearly, no one cares.

Where’s the love?

Jerk wads.

I don’t even know why I’m posting right now. I have things to DO, peeps. Paperwork to fill out for my new job (95% of which I do not understand so I’m hoping I can wing it and BS my way through it well enough that it doesn’t require me to stop by the office and fill out additional forms. You know… kinda like college?), things to get organized for the Sibling Moving Party Extravaganza which will commence on Wednesday (Seriously, thank God for siblings. How would we move from one place to another without them? I mean, it’s basically in their contract that they have to help out with that stuff because of being blood related n’ things…), lessons to plan (Oh, who am I kidding? Planning any sort of lesson will NOT be taking place until I can get the rest of my life under control…), another moving extravaganza to organize so I can move the rest of my belongings to my new place (Thanks to the ass hat, things actually ARE that complicated…) a sister from far away to visit with, copious amounts of coffee to drink, and puddles of sweat to mop up because this heat wave doesn’t seem to be GOING AWAY.

*sigh*

So… it may be a few days before I have something worthwhile to say. But hey, I’m sure I’ll engage in all kind of epic road ragery this week as I trek back and forth to the “Big City”. So, stay tuned for that. Or don’t. Whatevs. But you’ll be missing out if you don’t. So, consider yourselves warned…

 

 

Onward and Upward, I Say

First of all, let me apologize for the previous outburst.

I was just so…

…at the time, and I had to let it out.

I’m better now. I promise.

Turns out that job I really, really, REALLY wanted?

I didn’t get it.

There may have been a lot of ugly-crying that took place afterwards.

Like this. Only uglier.

I just couldn’t… even. I was SO SURE I was going to get the job. Everyone I knew was SO SURE I was going to get the job. (I guess that’s what you get for being cocky??? Who knows…) I mean, I thought I was the perfect fit. A former substitute, a former graduate, the kids LOVE me, I’m freakin’ awesome… I mean… WHAT THE HELL?!

But they were all like, “Mm-kay, thanks. But, no.” Which of course was devastating because I had been banking on this job. I was all ready to start school shopping. I was ready to find a place of my own. This was it. FINALLY.

Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. And at first I was like, “REALLY, GOD? REALLY?! You can’t even give me a break this time around? I mean… haven’t the past few years sucked ENOUGH?! Now you have to reinforce the suckage?! I mean… C’MON! I’m a good person! I love Jesus! I don’t deserve this!” (Thus the reason for all the ugly-crying…)

And then, after a good five hours of ugly-crying, wallowing in self-pity, and total indignation… I decided to go back to being awesome.

So, I sat down and started applying for jobs again. And as soon as I did, I got a call-back from another school asking me to come in for an interview.

Which is fantastic. However, the mere suggestion that I might consider a job out of town has thrown my mother into a hardcore depression because she can’t figure out how she’s going to survive if I move away. (As though, I was going to live here forever???) Things may have gotten a little co-dependent this past year… And now I feel like I’m responsible for her happiness in addition to trying to get my own life back on track. Honestly? I kind of want to slap her… because this isn’t about her. And I know that. I just wish she would have gotten the memo. Good grief…

ANYWAY… I just have to keep moving forward. Because it’s what I do. You can’t keep me down. Sometimes, I wish I were more like these people who can curl up in the fetal position and shut down for weeks at a time… because then at least I’d get some sympathy. But instead, I’m just the opposite. I get hit, and I get back up. I figure it out. I charge ahead. And since everyone is familiar with my method of operation… I get very little sympathy from my friends and family. Stupid jerks. Sometimes, I wish someone would just stroke my hair, tell me I’m pretty, and throw chocolate at me while I wallow in self-pity. It would make things a lot easier.

But, that’s not how I roll. SO… onward and upward, I say. I’ll keep you posted.

 

I’m starting to sense a theme here…

The other day, I received the following in the mail from a dear friend of mine:

Unicorns are Jerks coloring book

Why? Well, for no other reason than the fact that it’s hilariously funny AND a coloring book. I mean, coloring bad ass unicorns? What’s not to love?

Then a few days later, this arrived in the mail from my sister:

Be a Unicorn

My friend and my sister do not know each other. I do not have an affinity for unicorns. They know I do not have an affinity for unicorns. (Not that I have any problems with unicorns. Unicorns are awesome. Fantastic, really. It’s just that, I’ve never had an opinion on them one way or the other.) And yet, the universe is apparently conspiring to ensure that I develop an affinity for unicorns. Because why else would I receive two unicorn related gifts within days of each other from different people who know nothing about one another and are aware of my indifference towards unicorns? Apparently, it is my destiny to become a fan of any and all unicorn related propaganda. Which would officially make me a dork. Which I am not okay with. Is this karma? Or does the universe just have a really quirky sense of humor?

I don’t know. Either way, it was totally weird. And both my friend and my sister were very excited about these gifts. I’ve already been asked if I’ve started coloring in my coloring book yet. (The answer is no, by the way.) And my sister seemed overly concerned that she got me the wrong color and size for the t-shirt… as though I would be wearing it out in public… ever. Not only is it pink, but it has unicorns on it. Do I strike anyone as a pink unicorn kind of girl? (Although, it was “Mug Sister“, and she does have a weird sense of humor. But she sounded very serious about the whole thing over the phone…)

*sigh*

ANYhoodles, so apparently, I have a thing for unicorns now. Keep that in mind next time you need to buy me a gift. Annie’s a big ol’ fan of unicorns.

Go unicorns.

(PSST! If you click on the pictures, it’ll bring you to the places that make these fantastic items. Theo Nicole Lorenz is a fantastically funny artist whose products you can find on Amazon, and City Shirts makes some pretty epic clothing items so… be sure to check those out.)