Spider Eyes

I just refused to accept a friend request on Facebook because the girl had spider eyes.

Like…

MAJOR spider eyes.

Do you know how bothered I am by spider eyes?

I mean… what… what business does that TARANTULA have crawling all over your eyes?!

YOUR EYES, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

GET THE SPIDER OFF OF YOUR EYES!

HOW DO YOU SEE THROUGH THE FURRY SPIDER LEGS?!

I mean, when I see this:

coming at me THROUGH YOUR GLASSES, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be your friend.

Because I’m pretty sure those spiders want to gnaw my face off.

OM-NOM-NOM.

And then I have no face, and children are crying, and the police are called, and its this whole thing and… I just don’t want to put you through that.

But if you were to remove the spiders FROM your eyes… Then we could sit down and discuss things.

And that way, you’ll be able to see better, I won’t have to worry about my face getting gnawed on… Everybody wins!

But really… can I just… you know… ask… WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!

I mean, I’m as big a fan of mascara as the next girl but… you realize those GREAT BIG BALLS of BLACK GOOP shouldn’t be there, right?

And, long luscious lashes are one thing but… you know… hair… by its very essence… should not have the thickness of a two by four.

I mean… I’m not an expert but… you know… common sense and all.

And when your glasses are 5 inches thick and still the only thing I can see are those furry spider legs and not your EYES… I’m just thinking… the mascara probably isn’t doing its job. Its doing the opposite of its job. Because its job is not to put big ass spiders on your eyeballs.

Again… not an expert… but one would assume… that is NOT the purpose of mascara.

I mean… how have your family members never said anything? And why do all your Facebook friends comment on how pretty you are? I mean… YOU ARE. You’re gorgeous. It’s just that…

SPIDERS.

ON YOUR EYES.

Seriously, girl?

Just…

No.

 

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