The You-Know-What Has Just Hit the Fan

I know I’ve been MIA more often than usual.

I also know I’ve been harrible at maintaining my weekly “Hmm…” post.

I also haven’t taken the time to visit my bloggity peeps to tweet and retweet their content and all the fun stuff that comes with having a blog.

For any and all of the above, I apologize.

Some of it has been the new school year, and trying to keep my head screwed on straight.

Some of it has been to wrap my mind around the you-know-what that has just hit the fan.

You see, I just found out on Friday that my mom is sick. Sick with the “c” word.

I absolutely hate my life right now. If I could, I would bury my head in the sand and not pop back up for another year and a half until the storm has passed. If I could, I would avoid all of this. I’ve never been one to run away from things, but this? This is worthy of running away from. Not that running away would accomplish much of anything, but it would help me out immensely right now.

I don’t know details about much of anything… and honestly, I don’t know that I want to know any details. All I know is that I’m clinging to my faith like never before, and praying and praying and praying for a miracle. Because I can’t do this again. I just can’t. Being an orphan does not sound like much fun. So, I’m keeping my focus on Him, on His word, on His promises, on His goodness and grace and trusting Him to turn this around for good. Because I just can’t do anything else right now.

I’ve been asking close friends to pray. They promise they will. Then they go about with their lives as usual. Which inexplicably enrages me. I want to scream, “WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON IS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING HUGELY DIFFICULT RIGHT NOW? HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE?! HOW CAN YOU BE SO SELFISH?!”

And then I realize that that is silly and stupid. Other peoples’ lives don’t stop because you’re dealing with something hard. But I wish they would. Because that only seems fair.

So, if you’re of the praying Christian persuasion, I would really appreciate some prayers. Prayers for healing. Prayers for faith.

I’ll try to write when I can.

Later, peeps.

 

 

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Don’t Poke the Protestant Bear

Just so we’re clear…

I LOVE working in a Catholic school.

LOVE. IT.

Being able to teach and talk about God?

Um…

OKAY.

And at first I was all concerned about not being a Catholic. Would people be sneaking glances at me duringĀ  mass to catch a glimpse of the Protestant freak? Would parents pull their children away as I walked down the hall? Would the priests talk a bit more slowly to me to ensure my understanding of the words coming out of their mouths?

Turns out I had nothing to worry about. Everyone has been so ridiculously welcoming, it’s like being at a Mormon potluck.

Until…

Sunday.

When I showed up at mass to set a good example for the Catholic kiddos by going to church on Sunday.

Imagine my chagrin when I discovered the sermon (or rather the homily… Whatever. Tomato/TomMAHto. Does it really matter? Not really.) was all about Protestants. And Martin Luther. And being “saved”. With a couple of references to Purgatory (Is that capitalized? Catholics do envision this to be an actually place, no? So, is this like the name of the place or just a concept? The Protestant is confused again…).

And if my priest friend hadn’t been basically calling my Protestant faith a fraud from the pulpit, I probably would have thought it an interesting discourse on differing church doctrines. But instead, this happened:

Or not. Okay, it didn’t happen, but it totally almost did. No lie. I’m serious. Next time I’ll totally do it…

You know what? We, as Christians, don’t have to agree on everything… but AS CHRISTIANS, as MEMBERS of the CHURCH… the BODY of CHRIST … DO NOT call out my faith as some sort of fraudulent, watered-down version of true Christianity. Do NOT question the depth of my faith or the teachings of a church you know very little about. Just don’t. Because I can go toe to toe with you on these issues, FATHER... and you’d be SHOCKED at how very much I know about my faith, your faith, the teachings of both, and why I have consciously chosen my faith, yet continue to support any and all followers of Christ. And then, when I’m finished, I will take you out for a cup of coffee and let differences fall by the wayside and support you, and pray for you and encourage you in your Christian walk… rather than tearing down your beliefs as fundamentally wrong.

So, don’t even. You do NOT want to unleash the fury that has been building up in me since Sunday. And you probably don’t want to see me at the staff meeting tomorrow, because I’m not sure I can hold myself back from this:

I’ll just blame it on you being slain in the spirit, Father. I can do that, you know. As a CRAZY PROTESTANT and all.

Also? I’m totally not bringing those packages of cookies I was planning on bringing. No cookies for you, Father. You big turd head.

I guess what I’m trying to say is… just don’t poke the Protestant bear. You won’t win. Father or not. You just… will not… win.

 

Things That Made Me Go, “Hmm…” – Week 40

Dearest readers,

Forgive my negligence in maintaining my regular blogging duties. My life has been a bit chaotic as of late and I have been unable to keep up with my regularly scheduled posts. (I really do need to make use of that “Schedule a Post” phenomenon…)

That being said, let me take the opportunity to be honest with you for a moment. Two significant things happened this week while preparing for this blog post (or rather, not preparing for this blog post…).

  1. I was not keeping up with the headlines seeing as I was trying to get settled into my new place and my new classroom. Headlines were the last things on my mind, so I was not consciously selecting articles for this week’s post.
  2. Nothing interesting happened this week. Literally nothing. At least I’m not aware of anything interesting happening this week. It could be because I wasn’t watching for it, but from the look’s of it, it was a pretty slow news week. When Donald Trump doesn’t throw a single hissy fit, you know it’s a slow week for news.

Therefore, we may be scraping the bottom of the barrel this week, thanks to the fact that EVERYONE ignored my Twitter plea to share interesting story ideas with me… Thanks, a lot, you mangy whores. (I don’t even know what that means, so don’t bother asking.)

Now, without further delay, here’s my very short list of things that made me go, “Hmm…” this week:

  • Damon Wayans went on a tirade this week. A ridiculous and stupid tirade, but a tirade nonetheless. Based on this tirade, I am now thoroughly convinced he is the jackass I always thought he could be. Way to be, Damon Wayans. Way. To. Be.
  • Speaking of royalty, I may be a little late to this party, but is this an actual thing??? I mean… you can’t just claim a kingdom, can you? I know it’s TLC but… it was in the news too. This is just too embarrassing for words. Just… go away, strange heirs. Go. Away.
  • And lastly, for those of you wondering about my personal life now that I have embarked upon this new adventure, this about sums it up:
fridge boyfriend

I really, REALLY need this t-shirt.

Okay, peeps. That’s all I have for this week. Next week, be dears and help a girl out with her headlines, WILL YA? I’m not asking for much. I mean… C’MON.

Over n’ out, good buddies. Have a great week.

What am I doing here?

Have you ever felt like that?

Like…

What the HECK am I doing here?

And how did I get here?

And why the FUNYON did I do this?

Because that is my life at this moment in time.

Mind you, I’ve only been part of this “new life” thing for 4 days, but already I’m like…

I think I’m just having a hugely difficult time acclimating to this new culture.

I don’t know if it’s a Mid-Western thing or a Catholic thing or a Scandinavian-American thing but…

Everyone is void of any and all emotions and sense of humor.

It’s like living with a bunch of pod people.

Their idea of a joke is a pun.

A pun is not a joke.

A pun is a waste of time.

They use words like “Uff-Da” with not a single hint of irony.

When you make a joke (and by joke, I mean you say something genuinely funny… not a pun) they stare at you blankly as though they’re not entirely sure how to respond.

I get this look… All. Day. Long.

Sarcasm is neither appreciated nor understood.

And I don’t understand why they insist upon talking about things like gardening, baking, knitting, quilting and crocheting like they’re genuine hobbies. Those aren’t genuine hobbies! I mean… they are if you’re 95. These people aren’t 95. Why are they engaging in these activities?!

Everyone knows everyone’s business. You say a single last name and they can give you the complete genealogy and family history of the entire clan. As though you should care.

They get excited over weddings and baby-making.

And I can’t be certain, but I bet they make a ton of casseroles and hot dishes around here. With cream of something soup. And lime Jello for dessert.

It is SO WEIRD, you guys.

And don’t even get me started on the culture shock that is the Catholic Church.

What is with all the genuflecting?! I swear to God, I keep looking around for the Queen of England and she’s NEVER THERE! And here I am, the stupid Protestant that I am, standing there, not genuflecting, looking around for the Queen of England, and trying desperately to keep up with all the memorized call and response thingys. I look like a moron.

This is literally me through every portion of Mass.

And then when you can’t even make a joke about how big of an idiot you are?!

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS?!

I just keep smiling… acting like everything is fine… but inside I’m dying a slow, painful, TOTALLY UNFUNNY death because NO ONE GETS THE FREAKIN’ JOKE.

Good GAWD… What AM I doing here?

 

 

 

It’s like trying to reason with a bunch of angry smurfs

And then there are those days when I really, really, really hate teaching.

Just…

EVERYONE. STOP. TALKING.

Seriously?!

Is it REALLY necessary to hash, rehash, and hash again the specialist schedule? No one else cares that your students are incapable of transitioning and that your specialist time is just really inconvenient for you. No one else wants to hear you whine about the fact that you don’t have a FULL HOUR of PREP TIME on TUESDAY and SWEET JESUS, THAT JUST WILL NOT DO! No one else wants to hear about all that is wrong with your schedule and it’s not fair and wah, wah, wah. SUCK IT UP. It’s school. That’s how this whole thing works. You gotta ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES, PEOPLE. I’m mean… are you kidding me with all this whining?

You cannot be seriously wasting this much of my time right now…

As much as I enjoy listening to all of you piss and moan about all of the above, I HAVE A CLASSROOM THAT’S NOT GOING TO ORGANIZE ITSELF! AND I DON’T SEE ANY OF YOU SIGNING UP TO VOLUNTEER YOUR TIME TO DO IT FOR ME.

SO…

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

JUST SHUT UP.

I swear to God, I almost ran out of that room today like this…

It’s like trying to reason with a bunch of angry smurfs.

It’s just absolutely futile.

And the longer I sat there, the more I realized…

I am REALLY not cut out for this teaching thing.

All I could think about while I was sitting there (I mean, besides duct taping everyone’s mouths shut…) was how I could be spending my time blogging or writing… and here I was, stuck in the middle of a cafeteria, listening to everyone complain about absolutely mind-numbingly insipid things.

I get it. I really do. It’s frustrating. And it’s annoying. And teachers have some of the hardest jobs out there, but…

We are also some of the biggest whiners on the planet. No lie. It’s like once you start teaching, you have to bitch and moan about every stupid annoyance, otherwise you just will not fit in with everyone in the teacher’s lounge.

Just shut up.

All of you.

Stupid smurfs.

(PS: I realize this was not a charitable post. Charity Tuesday has been rescheduled due to an uprising of angry smurfs.)

Good grief…

 

You GUYS!

You GUYS!

I FINALLY have internet again!

SQUEEEEEEEEEE!

Oh, how I have missed you my sweet, sweet mistress.

So, if any of you were all like,

“Um… Annie??? Way to drop the ball with your weekly ‘Hmm…’ post. You big stupid, jerk-face…”

I totally had an excuse. That being a lack of internet.

Also? There’s no need for name-calling or that sort of language. Simma dawn.

I will try to get my Charity Tuesday post up ASAP and then I will fill you all in on the weirdness that is my new life. (Hint: My new life is TOTALLY WEIRD. Because of the new people in it. It’s like living in the Twilight Zone. Seriously. I’m pretty sure I’m working with a bunch of Pod People…)

But right now, I have to go set up my new Roku box so I can have something to watch on the Telly. (What? I’m totally a pretend Brit. I can totally pull off that word…)

More later, peeps.