Last week, I said it was week 23, when really, it was only week 22. I realize such a misstep probably screwed up all of your weeks, so I apologize for the inconvenience. But really, am I the “week keeper” now? C’mon, peeps. C’MON.
You see what I just did there? I attempted to divert your attention from the fact that I have literally nothing to write about today. (And when I say, “literally”, I literally mean literally. Not figuratively-literally, but literally-literally. You pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?) It’s been one of those weeks. Between self-diagnosed panic attacks disguised as vertigo, to babysitting the 2nd grade class from hell… it’s just been one of those weeks.
But… I know you’re all super excited so I’ll just pull things out of thin air as I go along. Let’s get started, shall we?
Hang on… let me check Twitter. Maybe there’s something there…
- Ooh! Here’s something. They’re opening the first ever Dr. Seuss Museum in Springfield, Massachusetts in June 2016. How cool is that? (Okay, so that news came out like a month ago… I just forgot to mention it. It’s still cool. Coolness doesn’t age, stupids.)
- Hillary Clinton announced her candidacy for president today. After which, everyone yawned and spent the next hour surfing the internet for “real news”.
Okay, BuzzFeed… let’s see what you have… and I swear to GAWD, it better be more interesting than what Twitter had to offer…
Facebook? Pinterest? No. You know what? I’m not even going to bother with you two. You’re already on my “suck” list.
Okay, Annie. C’mon. There’s gotta be something you can talk about. ANYTHING. FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD, WOMAN. THINK OF SOMETHING.
- Ooh! Selfies took a huge hit this week. Everyone was all, “Selfies bad!” And then everyone was like, “Ooh! I agree!” And then some people were like, “Psh. Selfies are SO passe`.” But still others were like, “Well, I dislike them so much I’m going to dedicate an entire newspaper editorial to them!” And the Kardashians were all…
And I’m just sitting here thinking, “Duh. Double chins, anyone? How is this news?”
People are dumb.
- Ladies! I came across THIS brilliant website this week: www.rosegal.com Um, vintage-inspired looks? Crazy low (and when I say low I mean, “Holy crappers! What is with these prices?!) prices? FREE shipping worldwide? Um… just go. Go there now. Guys, you can go too… if you’re into women’s clothing. Otherwise, stay here.
- Gwyneth Paltrow is going to live off $29.00 in food stamps for a week. In case you’re curious as to how that will work out for her, let me let you down easy: She’ll probably craft some healthy, vegan, gourmet meals for her two adorable, perfectly coiffed children while using the leftovers to fertilize her naturally sustainable garden, thereby discovering a new species of plant that is not only high in anti-oxidants but also stops the aging process. Because she is Gwyneth Paltrow, and she is still better than you.
Nope. That’s it. I’m out. I’m done. I’m spent. (See? I told you it was a particularly uneventful week. This is why I need your help, peeps! If you see something funny, amazing, and cool… TELL ME, dammit! Don’t make me beg… jerks.)
Okay, so then… over n’ out, good buddies. I’ll catch you on the flip side.