13 Random Things I Worry About When No One is Looking

  • Is my nose really that big? Because from far away, it looks relatively proportionate to my face, but close up, it’s all like, “WHOA. Where’d that come from?” And really, if it is that big then… Thanks, Dad. You could have left me anything… and you decided to go with your nose? Nice.
  • Does anyone actually have a “small” nose? If someone had a little, itty-bitty, dainty nose, wouldn’t that look weird?
  • What is the point of legumes? I mean… besides protein. Who invented this abomination of food-like substance? I’m assuming God did… but I would have thought He’d have better taste than that.
  • Why does my sister-in-law put legumes in everything? They’re disgusting. I might not know much about cooking, but I’m pretty sure black beans are not necessary in an egg bake. But, maybe that’s just me.
  • Since we’re on the topic of beans… what is the deal with “re-fried beans”. I mean… really? They weren’t disgusting enough the first time so we thought we’d “re-fry” them in order to bring out the flavor? Just… NO.
  • What are lima beans, anyway? Are they legumes? Because, if not, they totally should be. Those things are not vegetables. They’re all mealy and mushy and gross, and thus should be relegated to the legume family.
  • What is with my preoccupation with beans? That can’t be healthy.
  • Am I consuming too much coffee? Is this the cause of “The Great Heart Palpitation Debacle of 2011?” My doctor never did get back to me on that…
  • When someone is talking to you, and you can’t hear what they’re saying, and you’ve already asked them to repeat themselves like… 11 times… is it best just to nod and smile, or ask them to repeat themselves a 12th time? My first instinct is to do the former, but what if they just told you their mother died? Is it really a good idea just to nod and smile?
  • Why does using the telephone scare me? Does anyone else have this phobia? Those things freak me out. I feel like I am in control of nothing when I only have my voice to communicate. What about facial expressions? Hand gestures? EMOTICONS?
  • Are emoticons totally 1996? (Was the internet even around in 1996?) Should I have used the term “emojis”? Are people silently judging me now?
  • Are these the same people who silently judge me for my use of the term “wellies”?
  • When eating any type of pastry, is it best to always use a fork? Because when I order any type of pastry at a coffee shop, they never offer me a fork, and I then I get confused because I wonder if the proper way to eat the pastry is with my hands but that just seems…

I suppose I could just ask for a fork…

Level with me, peeps. Am I alone with these questions? Admit it – You have random things you worry about too when no one is looking. I demand to hear all about them, forthwith.

Gif Source: fuckyeahbillmurray.tumblr.com

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