If there’s one thing I hate more than anything else in the world, it’s mouth breathing.
Have you ever met a mouth breather? Is it not just…
I don’t want to offend all the mouth breathers out there, but it’s kind of a major issue for me so… just close your mouths. Please.
The fact that I have been forced to be a mouth breather for the last week has been nearly unbearable. My mouth is always dry, I look like a complete and total moron, and any time I forget what I’m doing and decide to close my mouth like a normal person, I’m left gasping for air. It’s ridiculous. And no amount of cold medicine has been helping my case. Right now, this is me:
Hot, right? I know.
Yesterday, things came to a head when I went to lunch with my brother and I became suddenly aware that not only was I going to have to breathe with my mouth open, but eat with my mouth open. I’m not sure why this was suddenly such an issue because clearly I have been getting sustenance for the past week and I must have been eating with my mouth open since I didn’t once pass out from lack of oxygen. But suddenly, having someone in close proximity while trying to eat in this fashion was… harribly, harribly (yeah, I’m just going to say it with an “a” now… it’s so much more fun that way) torturous. No one wants to eat with a mouth breather. NO ONE. I don’t care how compassionate and charitable you are. Nobody wants to see that. It’s gross. I should know. I used to be married to both a mouth breather, and someone who chewed with their mouth open (same person, by the way… just so we’re clear) and it was disgusting. I once threw my fork at the guy in the middle of lunch because it was all…
Thus, I suddenly became aware that because of this dang cold, I had become the person worthy of chucking a fork at. So, once lunch came, I tried to be as discreet as possible. First, I tried chewing with my mouth closed, but I was forced to come up for air every 10 seconds or so, and it resulted in lot of unattractive gasping and spitting. So, I tried it with my mouth open just a sliver so I could quietly take in oxygen while eating. (Do you know how hard that is when the sliver of mouth left open for oxygen intake is suddenly blocked by pieces of food you are trying to both chew and breathe around? Do you know what that’s like? It’s not good, peeps.) To top it all off, my brother thought this would be a great opportunity to catch up on the Key & Peele videos he had not yet shown me.
Um… NOT okay.
Pretty much lunch ended up being like this:
Somehow, I managed to hide all this disgustingness (whatever, I’m totally making that a word right now…) from my brother, so lunch wasn’t a total waste. But it got me thinking…
What do heads of state and assorted dignitaries do when they have a cold, and are forced to dine with other heads of state and assorted dignitaries? (Obviously, I have way to much time on my hands if I have time to wonder about these things. Either that, or I’m just really creative and fun. Let’s go with the latter.)
But seriously… say President Obama comes down with the head cold from hell (much like mine) but is also slated to dine with the Queen of Denmark. What does he do? Is a doctor whisked in at the last minute to clear his sinus passages so he doesn’t offend the Danish Monarchy with his mouth breathing? Or does he simply grin and bear it, and try to eat as quietly as possible while breathing through his mouth (provided the Queen doesn’t have any Key & Peele videos to show him)? Personally, I would choose the former, but what if you’re new to the whole “head of state” thing, and are not aware that whisking in a doctor is an option? How many heads of state and assorted dignitaries are mouth breathing at state dinners? When there is a lull in the conversation, is their an underlying chorus of mouth breathing? Do the other heads of state and assorted dignitaries simply smile understandingly and pass around some Sudafed under the table? Do they attempt to ignore it while screaming in their heads, “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, MAKE IT STOP!”? I mean.. assuming heads of state and assorted dignitaries are humans and not androids, this must have come up at some point, right? Or would it be so harribly offensive that those with the head cold must cancel their appearance at the state dinner that has been scheduled for the past six months? Or do they keep doctors on call specifically for this reason? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!
In other news… is it totally weird that I wonder about these things? Other people wonder about these things, don’t they? I mean… they must, right? Who doesn’t wonder about these things?! Androids, that’s who.
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