I have a confession to make… and it has the potential to be both scandalous and life altering, if you don’t mind me over-stating the obvious. I mean… when have my confessions not been scandalous and life altering? Please. It’s the entire reason you read this blog, amiright?
Anyway, my confession is this:
I kind of, sort of, really, truly hate….
There. I said it. It’s out there for the whole world to read. If you don’t like it, throw it right back, disregard it, blow me off… it’s fine. You don’t have to accept it. It’s a lot to accept, I get that. But before you get your panties all wadded up, and start screaming obscenities and throwing all forms of rotting vegetables at your computer screens, at least hear me out. We can have a civilized, rational, adult conversation about this, can’t we? Okay, so everyone take a deep breath, go to your prospective happy places, and let’s discuss.
Now, I don’t know if any of the blogs I follow would be considered actual Mommy Blogs. I know I follow bloggers who are Moms, but would any of them qualify as actual Mommy Blogs? I’m going to go with no on that one, because if they were qualified as actual Mommy Blogs, chances are I would hate them with the passion of a thousand burning hell fires and would never consider following them.
Now there’s nothing innately wrong with Mommy Blogs. They’re a great outlet for sharing Mommy frustrations and challenges and triumphs. I mean, what’s not to like? Moms are the bomb. We have an entire day dedicated to them. They should have their own blogging community. It’s just that… I hate them.
Anytime I hear the term “Mommy Blog” I picture a smug Gwyneth Paltrow typing away on her keyboard, extolling the virtues of over-priced, all-natural quinoa, and posting a whole slew of gluten-sugar-preservative free recipes you can make from scratch using all natural ingredients despite the fact that every recipe genuinely tastes like cardboard but it’s okay because only those with the most discerning tastes can appreciate the finer points of cardboard… and what do you care anyway, because you’re doing it for the well-being of the children, aren’t you? Because if not, it’s time to re-evaluate your worth as a mother.
Once you’re done perusing the all-new, “No one will ever eat this, but I’ll give it a try for the well-being of my children” recipes, you can find delightful new sewing patterns with which to create your child’s very own wardrobe using only the finest, fair trade materials… Because let’s be honest, if you don’t have sewing skills or the time to create some adorable new outfits for Jimmy, Timmy and Juan, and would rather purchase goods created in a sweat shop from the blood, sweat and tears of 3-year-olds, you have no business being a mother, you selfish, selfish whore.
Upon completing the period of self-loathing you will inevitably go through due to your lack of sewing skills and your contribution to the pain and suffering of children around the world, you will perhaps have just enough self-esteem left to read about the blogger’s “amazing” and “talented” children. A Mommy Blogger’s children are always perfectly coiffed, smart, precocious, empathetic, healthy and clean. By contrast, your children have gum stuck in their hair, are struggling with their basic addition facts, occasionally present themselves as selfish brats, and looking at the snot that is free-flowing from their nostrils and the grass stains covering their clothing, probably not all that healthy and/or clean. Basically, your children are “normal” and by comparison, suck. Why? Because you let them watch TV, eat gluten-packed snacks, do not read to them every night, nor do you present them with 2 extra hours of “practice homework” every evening. You are lazy and you are an embarrassment to all mothers everywhere.
Now… that being said, do I really think all Mommy Blogs are like this? No. No, I do not. (On a completely unrelated topic, if you’re one of these people who doesn’t understand or relate to sarcasm and/or humor… you probably shouldn’t be reading my blog. It will just end in tears and a great wailing and gnashing of teeth.) It’s just that… even if you are the funniest, most enlightened, delightful Mommy Blogger on the planet, I will still probably hate you because you identify yourself as a “Mommy Blogger”. It’s the title, really. There’s something about it that just irks me. “Mommy Blogger”? Just the sound of it send waves of disdain over my entire being. It carries with it a sense of superiority, as though because you’ve been able to produce progeny from your fruitful loins that you are now tasked with nurturing and raising, that you are somehow better than everyone in the entire world because you are, after all, a mother. And nothing… nothing… in this world trumps a Mom. Plus, I have my suspicions that Mommy Bloggers are the mafia of the blogging world. What they say goes, and if you don’t like it, you will be dealt with swiftly and efficiently… because they’re moms, and that’s how they roll. (So… if my blog suddenly disappears from the world wide web after this piece, you know who to talk to… Hey. I’m just asking questions…)
ANYWAY… my point regarding Mommy Blogs is this:
(Okay, I totally don’t have a point. I just wanted to get that off my chest, and if I’m being honest, waste a little bit of your time by making you read a long-ass blog post. Okay. The latter isn’t true. The former? Totally true. But seriously… did you expect there to be a point? When in the history of this blog have any of my posts had a point? Are you new here? You must be new here.)
I do have a question though. Is anyone else as bothered by Mommy Blogs as I am? Or is this just an “Annie” kind of thing?
Gif Sources: tumblr.com, new-gen-rpg.tumblr.com