Thoughts on Being Sick

So, you know when you die in a fiery car crash?

And they have to scrape your remains off the pavement?

And sometimes they put your remains under a heat lamp so the nearby forest animals can come and feast on said remains?

That’s sort of how I feel…

Only worse.

The sore throat started over the weekend, which then gave way to the longest and most constant sneezing jags known to man. Which then led to complete and total nasal congestion. Which, of course, resulted in sinus pain so intense I was fairly certain I needed to be rushed to the hospital so they could relieve the pressure buildup around my brain. And all of this is now leading to a delightful little cough which rears it’s ugly head whenever I laugh and/or breathe. Now, finally, I find myself in some fog-like, slow motion trance which I think has very little to do with the meds I just took because… well…

I’m sorry, what was I saying?

I blame this on the kindergarteners due to their uncanny ability to sneeze and/or cough directly into the mouths of otherwise healthy adults. It’s quite an amazing feat, actually. If I wasn’t so disgusted by it, I’d actually be impressed.

This whole thing would clear up a whole heck of a lot faster if I was inclined to sleep… which I’m not. Sleeping when one is sick is pretty much the worst. Sleep is the best thing known to man. Why ruin it by trying to do it when you feel like total crap? That just ruins the whole sleep experience. And who can sleep when they feel like crap? Certainly not me. That’s like wasting a trip to Disney World by standing in line for 16 hours in scorching heat surrounded by sweaty, smelly, tourists and not getting to go on any ride ever. Not even bumper cars. What’s the point in that? So again… what’s the point in sleeping when one is sick? It makes no sense.

I purchased some medicine to help me feel better, but because I am stupid I think I purchased the exact opposite of what I needed. I got AlkaSeltzer Plus for colds, but it was the nighttime edition. I thought “Why do I need something during the day? That’s just silly. I just need a good night’s sleep.” But it turns out this medicine has aspirin in it (like the real stuff, not the fake Acetaminophen stuff) which just led to me doing Google searches about Reye’s Syndrome and whether or not adults can get it and if so, what are the symptoms and was I sure I wasn’t just dying? So, then I just took a half dose and that left me feeling so ridiculously high that I’m fairly certain someone slipped some acid into my little “Plop-Plop, Fizz-Fizz” packet. So, once that wore off, I just took some Pseudoephedrine which wasn’t Pseudoephedrine at all, but rather some Phenylephrine which is good because Pseudoephedrine typically makes me feel like my head is going to explode at the exact same time my heart bursts right out of my chest, and since I don’t really feel like dying, I avoid it like the plague. So, now this Phenylephrine is kind of keeping the symptoms at bay, but mostly it’s just making me feel foggy and floaty and weird. And this is precisely why I avoid any and all medication when I’m sick… because usually it doesn’t help, and most of the time it just makes me feel worse.

SO… now I just wait for whatever horrible germs those sick little kindergarteners bestowed upon me to be flushed out of my system. And in the meantime, I fill all of you in on precisely how I am feeling and how exactly my recovery is going. Which, I know, must be ridiculously fascinating and so mentally stimulating that you must feel slightly overwhelmed. I totally understand. I have that effect on people.

SO… who wants to hear all about my most recent bout with constipation?

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