Here is now. Here is good.

Many times, when this time of the month rolls around, I find myself feeling melancholy and confused. I spend a lot of time reminiscing about what was and regretting what will now never be. Oftentimes, I’m surprised by where I am now and how I got here and wonder “what-if”. What if it had never happened? What if I hadn’t made that choice? Or that one? Or the other one? What if I had done this differently or gone here instead of there? Would my life be different? What did I miss out on?

Sometimes, my old life, seems like an alternate reality – a reality that didn’t belong to me – a reality I had read about in some book or seen in some movie. It feels so far removed from where I am now that I sometimes struggle to marry the past and present and fully realize… This is my life. All of it. Good and bad. Two sides of the same coin.

Occasionally, I carry around the massive burden of regret, thinking if I had just done this differently, or been more like this, or made this decision instead of that one, my life would be completely different… even better. And then I realize how silly it all is to live with those regrets. Regrets get you nowhere; they just paralyze you and prevent you from moving forward.

Because, like it or not, this is my life. All the paths I’ve chosen, the decisions I’ve made, have led me here. And is “here” such a bad place to be?

“Here” is where I’m regaining my confidence – rediscovering my capabilities and my strengths.

“Here” is where I’m learning to be the person God made me to be – not some weak little shadow of myself struggling desperately to be the person others think I should be.

“Here” is where I’m reclaiming my interests and passions and talents and preferences… and realizing what it feels like not to apologize for them.

“Here” is where I have determined that I can and that I am capable, and that relying on my instincts and wisdom is a good thing.

“Here” is where I can shake off the old and move forward with the new. New adventures, new discoveries, new people, new experiences.

“Here” is now. And “here” is good.

Besides, what can I gain by looking back? Nothing. Not a single, solitary thing. I’m different now. I wouldn’t want the old life, as safe and secure as it may have been. With everything I’ve learned and accomplished… the new me wouldn’t fit into the old life.

“Here” is where I am now. I’ve gotten “here” through a series of disappointments, failures, and tragedies, along with plenty of victories, accomplishments and achievements. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know more now than I did then. I might be warier and wiser, but I’m still hopeful and eager.

“Here” is where the real fun begins.


2 thoughts on “Here is now. Here is good.

  1. Jana says:

    I totally get it and agree – in fact, my last post was about similar emotions. However, sometimes, I wish he would tell me what a huge mistake he made, what a fool he was, and beg me to take him back. I’m happy to say I wouldn’t do it – like you, I’m not the same person anymore — but it sure would feel good to see him go through a fraction of what I’ve gone through in the past 8 months.


    • annieemmy says:

      I couldn’t agree more. I totally wish for the same in my situation… but I had to quit waiting and hoping for that. It doesn’t get me anywhere, and it just makes me bitter and frustrated. So, now it’s time to focus on me… not him.


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