Trendy foods I do not understand and probably never will

I never realized food could be trendy. Apparently, it’s a thing. Foods that weren’t so popular back in the day can make a comeback. Foods never before noticed are suddenly labelled “super” foods. Health and fitness gurus latch onto a food and pretty soon it’s everywhere, and it’s up to us mere plebians to jump through the hoops to “stay in the know” about these new, trendy foods that all the cool people are eating.

I hate it. Worse yet, I don’t understand it. Apparently, I’m a simple mid-western girl when it comes to my food. If it was eaten back in the 1950s I’m probably still eating it (yes, including bologna and white bread because despite their unhealthy nature, they sure are delicious…). Every time one of these trends comes along I’m all, “Ooh! I should try/buy/make a meal with that!” but my inner monologue is all, “Mer. You know you’re not going to…” My inner monologue is usually right. Mainly because the new foods are… weird. And I don’t understand them. If I can’t differentiate whether it’s a grain, a fruit, a veggie, a dairy product or a nutritional supplement, why would I dish out $25 for a half teaspoon of it? I mean… really? Not gonna happen.

For instance, some of the foods I do not understand include (but are by no means limited to…)

Quinoa:

I don’t even know how to say this word. So, I say Quinones. Like, as in John, from 20/20. I have no idea what this food is. Is it a grain? A veggie? For some reason, when I say this word, I picture a small green ball, some sort of cross between a lime and a kiwi. And yet, I know that’s incorrect.

quinoa

Who knew?

It’s a grain. Used for what, I have no clue. I’m going to guess it aids in weight loss. It’s probably one of these super seeds that packs a punch of protein or… something of that sort. But again, it’s totally foreign to me. I might as well be looking at an extra-terrestrial life form. Does. Not. Compute. So, why would I eat it?

Kale:

What’s the big deal about kale, anyway? What, it has tons of vitamins and protein? Doesn’t spinach as well? Why is kale so special? Why does it get to be the prom queen? I have a feeling kale is like the asparagus of the 90s. Was asparagus a thing in the 90s? I seem to remember it got kind of big there for a while… but what do I know? I was still eating veggies out of a can.

Kale

You wish you were this cool.

Yup, apparently it is so super cool it helps you lose weight and grow angel wings too! I’ll stick to spinach. Spinach is just as cool. Why should kale have all the fun?

Coconut Oil:

I get it. It’s amazing for your skin and hair and way better for you than any other cooking oil. But I’m perfect happy with my extra virgin olive oil, and I honestly can’t come to terms with cooking with something that most people slather on their skin for tanning purposes.

Coconut OIl

I’m sure you’re amazing, Coconut Oil. But, nothing is ever going to happen between us.

Plus, let’s just face it. I’m too lazy to even bother looking when I’m at the grocery store.

Cilantro:

Let’s just get this out of the way so there’s no confusion. I hate cilantro. Ever since someone tried to put it in my salsa, I have hated it with the passion of a thousand burning suns. No one asked you to decimate the beauty of that natural flavors of salsa, Cilantro! I don’t even understand why you exist. You taste limey and bitter. Not once have I ever uttered something like, “Hm… this meal is delicious! If only it tasted a little more limey and bitter!”  Nope.

Cilantro

Go away, Cilantro. Nobody wants you here.

Avocados and/or Guacamole:

Um, first of all, avocados taste like grass. Why buy avocados to eat when you can just feast in your own backyard? Furthermore, guacamole is simply that same grass flavor mashed up as a dipping sauce. How is that tasty? “Mmmm… grass. My favorite.” And yet everyone raves about guacamole. “Where’s the guac?!” What is that? Now you have to have a trendy new nickname for it too? Because you are that cool? And why is the meat of the avocado all mushy? Ew. What are they, the legumes of the fruit family? It’s always something with you two, isn’t it? Well, I for one am not buying it.

Avocado Guacamole

Really? WHAT ARE YOU?!

I mean, c’mon. You’ve been around for how long now and I still haven’t purchased you? Yeah, probably never going to happen.

I know that last one is going to wreak havoc with most readers. “HOW DO YOU NOT LOVE GUACAMOLE?!” I know. I can handle it. I like to live life on the edge. Bring it.

What are some foods you don’t understand? Or are you a total foodie who rushes out every time a new one comes on the scene? (I hate you, by the way. No, I don’t. Not really. Only sort of.) I guess I’m just too un-cool for all the cool foods. I mean, I still feel like a hipster when I eat yogurt so… yeah.

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