Panic

The other day, the man I affectionately refer to as the “Ass Hat” was coming to my neck of the woods to deliver the remainder of my stuff to me. I know, right? How thoughtful of him! Actually, this never would have happened had I not threatened to NOT sign the divorce papers if he didn’t. Sure, I could have gotten my stuff on my own and spent a ton of money to rent a truck, get movers to haul it for me, drive it here, drop off the stuff and return the truck. But honestly, I just didn’t want the inconvenience and cost of doing it. SO, I figured, since he’s the one who hasn’t been put out by any of this… let him do it. Plus, it was just extra incentive for him to do it so he can prove once and for all he really is a nice guy – he’s just misunderstood. If he weren’t nice, he wouldn’t do this for me! (He’s so hell bent on coming out smelling like roses after this that he’ll do just about anything to maintain his “nice guy” image. Not that I would use that to my advantage or anything…)

Anyway… where was I? Oh, yes. Ass Hat was dropping off the remainder of my things to a storage facility because he’s such a nice guy. So, the morning of, I woke up nauseous – completely sick to my stomach. You know that feeling you get when you’re nervous about a job interview or a big doctor’s appointment? It was that kind of feeling. I was riddled with anxiety, and I couldn’t shake it. Eventually the nausea gave way to a racing heart and the sensation that I couldn’t calm down. Outwardly I was fine. Inwardly, I was going crazy. It felt like I wasn’t breathing right and I couldn’t get a breath deep enough to calm the rest of me down. I was sweaty and tense and I just wanted the day to be over with.

The dumb thing was, I was having this totally heightened physical response to him just being in the same town as me. I didn’t even need to see him or speak to him. I just knew he was going to be there and I felt totally panicked. And then I felt angry. Why was I letting him steal my peace, steal my joy, and ruin my day? He had no right! So, I went to school, took care of my munchkins, and refused to let my thoughts be taken over by him.

The funny thing is… I never would have predicted having that sort of response to seeing him, or even being in the same vicinity as him. My, how things have changed. 6 months ago, his presence was what would have calmed me. He was my protector and the person I could hold onto when the ground gave way. Now, the ground had given way because of him, and his presence caused nothing but chaos and panic. Funny, huh? I guess sometimes I need a reminder of who my real protector is and who holds me up through it all.

“Cursed is the man to trusts in man and makes flesh his strength… Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose hope is the Lord.” Jeremiah 17:5-7

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One thought on “Panic

  1. Jana says:

    Every time I get an email, text, or (rarely) a call from Doc, I feel like someone is stabbing me in the stomach. There is some deep part of me that WANTS to interact with him — but, at the same time, it makes me feel sick to interact with him. It’s driving me crazy — I can’t wait to get to the point where I just have NO FEELINGS when I think of him or hear from him.

    Liked by 1 person

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