I’m having feelings again.
Honestly, I kind of hate having feelings as of late.
Mainly because the feelings have been of the sad, regret-filled, trying-not-to-cry variety.
It was awesome when the only feelings I was having were anger, rage, and homicidal urges. It was even better when I didn’t have any feelings at all – when I was all numb and indifferent. That was paradise. Nothing affected me. I didn’t care. I could shrug it all off and be like, “Psh” whenever an emotion dared rear its ugly head.
But now I’m having all these feelings, and it’s gross and awkward and uncomfortable and I just want them to go away. But no matter how much I try to suppress them, or how deep into my soul I push them down, they keep bubbling to the surface, insisting that I “feel” them… or something equally awkward.
And I know, I know, I know… Everyone says you have to let yourself experience your feelings in order to heal. Sometimes you just have to cry. You just have to “feel”. But I don’t want to! That sounds all new-agey and crap. Plus, I don’t want to feel anything about this whole thing… especially not him. Because if I feel sad, then that makes me vulnerable and… I don’t want to be vulnerable. And I really don’t want to feel hurt anymore. Vulnerability and hurt feelings are for sissies. Screw feelings. I am woman… hear me roar.
I’m kidding of course… It’s just that I want to move on and be done with it. I want to feel happy and hopeful again, and I want this whole mess to be a distant memory.
I know what ya’ll are going to tell me… that I have to feel my feelings. Ew. Maybe I’ll take up drinking instead.