Well, that’s just dumb.

Remember when I told you guys about what a hardcore people-pleaser I am?

How I can never disagree with someone or say no?

How I can never be anything less than agreeable and polite and easy-going and fine with everything?

Um… yeah. That annoying little trait definitely isn’t helping me out in this whole divorce process thing.

When I really want to be all like angry-woman

I end up being like 8

Only much better looking…

Anyway, it occurred to me that I don’t want the ass hat to think I’m… a jerk. Or that I’m unreasonable. Or unlikable. Or mean. Or vindictive. Or asking for too much.

Um… excuse me? Why the heck do I care what he thinks?! Was he not a jerk? Was he not unreasonable? Was he not unlikable, mean or vindictive???

The dumb thing is… I am not any of these things! But I worry that he’ll think of me in this way if I ask for a decent amount of spousal support, or make certain reasonable requests, or demand that he help out with certain logistics of this whole divorce process.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I KNOW none of that makes any sense! I KNOW that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard or said. I KNOW that if someone else were in my shoes, I’d be slapping them upside the head saying, “SNAP OUT OF IT! He did this to YOU! You need to stand up for yourself, WOMAN!”

Why is that so ridiculously hard to apply to myself?! I’m expecting so very little out of him. If you knew how much I was asking in spousal support, you would be shocked. You’d be disgusted if you knew how much he was willing to pay. You’d also be so disappointed to see how agreeable and NICE I’ve been through this whole ordeal. He’s been staying in the apartment. He’s been able to use all the furniture and things I’ve left behind until I can get them, no questions asked. He’s only had to pay me for certain big items that I can’t take with me right now. He hasn’t been inconvenienced in the least through this whole ordeal. Nothing in his life has changed except that now he can freely visit his girlfriend whenever he wants without feeling guilty about it. I’m being ridiculously agrreeable. And I have no idea why! Why can’t I stop myself?!

I’m not saying that I should become some raving lunatic, some vindictive jerk face… but I could at least stand up for myself and expect something from him for upending my life and leaving me in the lurch, right?

Something needs to change. I need to change. I can see that. It’s the actual application of that change that’s the hard part. Any words of advice, peeps? Because I’ll take it.

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8 thoughts on “Well, that’s just dumb.

  1. Jana says:

    OK – I’m going to tell you a secret. I’ve also been nothing but nice to Doc since he walked out on me. Well, there was the one time when he went out of town for the weekend (AGAIN) and everything went to hell and his dad ended up in the ER and they (and I) had no idea where he was because he wasn’t answering calls or texts – and I may have lost my shit when he finally called me back – but for the most part, when I’m dealing with him, I am polite, courteous, friendly, and compassionate. If I’m going to the grocery store, I’ll text to see if he needs anything. If he comes over to fix something at the house, I always give him something to take home with him (groceries, leftovers, whatever). When I hear about something going on in town I know he’ll like, I always text him to let him know. I always remember my pleases and thank yous – letting him know how appreciated he is for doing the maintenance he agreed to do when he left.

    But here is the secret – I don’t mean any of it. I mean, I AM trying to be a more positive, compassionate person in general. And I DON’T want to be all pissed off, angry and bitter. And I DO realize that he is just the way he is and that he is not in a healthy state of mind where he can delve into personal growth or change the way he has dealt with things over the past 26 years – so I feel sorry for him that he is going to continue in failed relationships, lose the respect of his children, and be unhappy for the rest of his life.

    But the secret is that I am acting so nice because I know it has to be driving him crazy! I’m sure he justified leaving me because I was a “bitch” or I was “crazy” or “so controlling” or “unloving”. So, I’m not giving him any of that ammunition to use as a weapon. Instead, when he is at home, alone, wondering why his children will not speak to him or wishing he could be in his own house, watching his own TV, he will not have me to blame. He can continue to feel guilty about acting like such an asshole with us – for a nice, long time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • annieemmy says:

      I love it… sort of a “killing him with kindness” approach, right? In my case, the ass hat had no reason to leave and no ammunition with which to use against me. SO, I figure keeping my distance and being cordial until this whole thing is over with will help me maintain my sanity and his safety.

      Like

  2. totallycaroline says:

    You sound like you are just a really nice person. The only problem with this is that you aren’t nice to yourself, and I think you will regret it. I think maybe you are regretting. As women we really don’t demand the respect that we deserve, but if you don’t demand respect, you will never get it. Be nice to yourself, you deserve it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. One Gentleman says:

    Your character is not his, and his character is not yours. It’s like asking a turtle to hunt like a lioness, and a lioness to become like an antelope. You do not, nor should you take on the traits of a person that would infringe upon your integrity. Instead, I would suggest to state your exact desires through the attorney, if your partner is being uncooperative.

    He may be ruthless, vindictive and harsh, but you are the opposite. He may act in a manner and get results, yet not skip a beat due to how he gained these results. You on the other hand, will find yourself questioning why you did XYZ, just to gain XYZ. You are not him and he is not you. However, you can still gain the things you desire upon the divorce, without becoming him.

    Do you both have attorneys involved, or you are both handling the separation on your own?

    Like

    • annieemmy says:

      Thanks for the reminder. We are handling the separation on our own – being very civil through the whole thing. However, I need to remember that being civil does not mean letting him walk all over me and take advantage of my good nature. But it’s tough.

      Like

  4. notesfromthebathroomfloor says:

    I know exactly what you mean, and I’m guilty of the same “nicey-nice” behavior. I think I struck a balance between being the angry shrew and agreeable dunce by just being civil. I don’t need to be cruel or hateful, I just need to get what is rightfully mine.

    In my case, I wasn’t trying to get anything of his. I just wanted to keep what was mine, and it was pretty easy to determine since we both worked full-time and kept joint and separate bank accounts. So it was easier than it could have been. But damn do I still want to be nice and “help” him. Makes me want to slap myself silly. I’m working on it.

    Liked by 1 person

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