Remember when I told you guys about what a hardcore people-pleaser I am?
How I can never disagree with someone or say no?
How I can never be anything less than agreeable and polite and easy-going and fine with everything?
Um… yeah. That annoying little trait definitely isn’t helping me out in this whole divorce process thing.
Only much better looking…
Anyway, it occurred to me that I don’t want the ass hat to think I’m… a jerk. Or that I’m unreasonable. Or unlikable. Or mean. Or vindictive. Or asking for too much.
Um… excuse me? Why the heck do I care what he thinks?! Was he not a jerk? Was he not unreasonable? Was he not unlikable, mean or vindictive???
The dumb thing is… I am not any of these things! But I worry that he’ll think of me in this way if I ask for a decent amount of spousal support, or make certain reasonable requests, or demand that he help out with certain logistics of this whole divorce process.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I KNOW none of that makes any sense! I KNOW that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard or said. I KNOW that if someone else were in my shoes, I’d be slapping them upside the head saying, “SNAP OUT OF IT! He did this to YOU! You need to stand up for yourself, WOMAN!”
Why is that so ridiculously hard to apply to myself?! I’m expecting so very little out of him. If you knew how much I was asking in spousal support, you would be shocked. You’d be disgusted if you knew how much he was willing to pay. You’d also be so disappointed to see how agreeable and NICE I’ve been through this whole ordeal. He’s been staying in the apartment. He’s been able to use all the furniture and things I’ve left behind until I can get them, no questions asked. He’s only had to pay me for certain big items that I can’t take with me right now. He hasn’t been inconvenienced in the least through this whole ordeal. Nothing in his life has changed except that now he can freely visit his girlfriend whenever he wants without feeling guilty about it. I’m being ridiculously agrreeable. And I have no idea why! Why can’t I stop myself?!
I’m not saying that I should become some raving lunatic, some vindictive jerk face… but I could at least stand up for myself and expect something from him for upending my life and leaving me in the lurch, right?
Something needs to change. I need to change. I can see that. It’s the actual application of that change that’s the hard part. Any words of advice, peeps? Because I’ll take it.