Lately, my life has been a vicious cycle of that. Getting stuck and then getting unstuck. Getting unstuck, and then getting stuck again. Finding or doing something that inspires and motivates me, only to feel stuck and lost a couple weeks later. Then again, feeling motivated and hopeful, only to lose it again a few weeks later, leaving me with the monumental task of re-finding it.
I’m tired of getting stuck. I’m not even sure what causes it. All I know is that every couple of weeks I get into a funk and feel angry, confused, frustrated and stuck, just like I did when this whole divorce debacle began. Shouldn’t I be over this by now?
Shouldn’t I be over the feelings of self-doubt, fear, anger, confusion, hopelessness, helplessness, and despair by now? Shouldn’t I have pulled myself up by my boot straps, dug back in, and done something with my life by now? Shouldn’t I have rebounded and re-discovered my passions and freedom and life by now? Because every time I feel like my life is starting to roll along again… those ugly feelings creep back in, and I’m back to being stuck. Back to where I started.
Every time I feel like I’m making progress, I realize just how far from my other life I am, and it starts to feel like I’m sliding backwards instead of moving forwards. Even if I am moving forward it doesn’t feel like it because it’s a new reality, new circumstances, a new starting point. But I didn’t ask to be here. I never wanted to start over. So, what the hell am I doing here?! And how the hell can I call anything I’m doing progress when it’s so far from my other reality a few months ago?!
I just want to get from point A to point B. But I don’t even know what point B looks like because I’ve never been here before. And I can’t figure out the map, and my cell phone doesn’t have any service, and I’m directionally disabled to begin with so… what now… start walking? But even when I begin to head towards point B, I realize that this new point B is not my previous point B and walking certainly isn’t going to get me to this new point B very quickly, and will the new point B even be worth it? So really… what’s the point?
And yes, I realize I’m probably not making a lick of sense. But neither does my life right now, so… it’s fitting, don’t you think?
And then when I look around for my traveling companions, hoping someone can help me out… most of them are gone. Most of them have returned to their regularly scheduled programming and probably figure I’ve returned to my regularly scheduled programming… except for the fact that I can’t because all regularly scheduled programming has been CANCELLED. So, they’re back at home with life as usual and I’m still stuck in the wilderness trying to find my way to point B when I don’t know if point B will even be worth it.
I don’t know… is this how this divorce thing is supposed to feel? Because I am sooooo over it.