Anger: I’m doing it wrong.

I wanna feel angry. And I don’t feel angry at all. Like… AT ALL. There is no anger in my body. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. I’m not even sure it’s in that deep, dark, hidden space in my soul where I repress all my feelings. If it is in there, then it’s doing a really great job of hiding, because I still haven’t seen it.

I suppose not feeling angry about this whole divorce debacle is a good thing, but sometimes, I just wanna feel royally pissed off like my family and friends do. They’re still stark raving mad about the whole thing. And I’m all sitting there calmly like, “Yeah, he sucks.”

And I’m not even trying to pull off some Zen, inner peace crap. I just don’t have any feelings on the matter any more. I mean, yeah, sometimes I’m all like, “UGH. YOU ARE SUCH A FREAKIN’ LOSER. I CAN’T STAND YOU.” but those feelings are few, far between, and fleeting. Half an hour later I’m over it and onto the next thing.

Maybe I’m just past the anger phase? But, looking back, I’m not entirely sure I even went through the anger phase. I think I was doing it wrong. Because, again, the anger would come and go and not last long.

Dude, are you seriously going to tell me that I can’t even do anger right?!

I’ve actually tried to make myself angry over the whole thing by dwelling on what an ass hat he’s been and how he’s royally screwed me over and felt zero remorse over it. Sometimes I listen to an angry Alanis song, but then I pop a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup into my mouth and I’m over it.

Am I eating my feelings? Am I eating my anger? Is that my problem here?

Nah. Because even when I’m not eating I’m still not angry.

Is this a good thing? Does this mean I’m over it? Is there something wrong with me? Will I explode 6 months from now in a glorious display of rage and repressed anger?

Meh. Guess I’ll have to wait and see.

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2 thoughts on “Anger: I’m doing it wrong.

  1. Jana says:

    I figured I would go through the five stages of grief in a predictable and sensible fashion and then be over things. I quickly learned that, while I have felt all of the five stages of grief, it was in no particular order or length of time. In fact, I routinely bounce around them – I’ll have several days or weeks where I think, “Hey! I’m DONE with this! Hooray! I need to find a boy toy and have some fun!” Then, all of the sudden, out of the blue, I’m pissed off, or depressed, or crying pitifully. It’s incredibly frustrating and I often feel like there is something wrong with the way I’m processing things. But in more lucid moments, I realize that it’s just the way it is – and I’ve given myself permission to feel what I need to feel, when I feel it (or to accept the fact that sometimes I don’t feel anything at all).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. notesfromthebathroomfloor says:

    Yeah, I’ve been there – had friends or family express outrage over certain behaviors and shrugged my shoulders. Meh. Nothing. I think part of it is a sort of natural balance that I’m striking: I am the calm to my friend’s storm. But also– the friend is hearing about the ex’s horrid behavior well after it occurred. I’ve already had time to absorb his craziness and process it. So my anger is no longer fresh and the pain is more distant.

    It does make me seem like a weirdo sociopath sometimes, I’m sure. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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