Dear Secret Service: You’re doing it wrong.

The Secret Service, under intense scrutiny after a man jumped the White House fence and got through the front doors.


Hold up.

So… someone jumped over the White House fence? First of all, I think “jumped” is too generous a term here. No one can “jump” over the White House fence. Unless they’re the Jolly Green Giant. And I’m pretty sure Jolly Green has more important things to do than be jumping over fences all willy-nilly like. Perhaps this crazy man (Okay, so labeling him as “crazy” is sheer speculation on my part. I have not evaluated his mental state. I’m just assuming here. Who jumps over White House fences? Typically, it’s “crazy” people.) “shimmied” up the White House fence, or “scaled” the White House fence, but he did not “jump” over it. Saying that he “jumped” over the fence implies that he started from a standing position and literally jumped so high he made it over the fence (then hit the sky, and didn’t come back until the 4th of July.). The dude is not Inspector Gadget. This did not happen. Come on, media. Get it together.

And then you’re going to tell me that after he “jumped” over the fence, he entered the front door of the White House?

I literally laughed out loud when I heard this breaking news last night. Out loud. A mixture of spit, snot and coffee may have been flung out of my mouth. Maybe. That has not been confirmed yet.

How exactly does one enter the front door of the White House after jumping the fence??? WAS THE DOOR OPEN?! Who doesn’t lock the front door of the White House?! It’s the White House! I don’t care about your ginormous fence. If history has taught us anything it’s that that dang, stupid fence doesn’t really keep people out. So… you should probably lock the doors. Especially considering that it’s the WHITE HOUSE. And the PRESIDENT lives there. You know, the leader of the free world? Who doesn’t lock their front doors?! Dude, EVERYONE locks their front doors. People in MAYBERRY lock their front doors. But the front door of the White House was just like, “Hey! Welcome! Come on in! Mi casa es su casa!” What the what?! Did the dude knock? Did the Secret Service answer? Were they like, “D’oh! Stranger danger! Guess we forgot to lock the door again. Oops. Our bad.”?

I mean… REALLY?!

Yeah. Pretty sure the Secret Service is doing it wrong.


Whatcha Thinkin'?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s