Reasons I didn’t “post” today.

  • My mother is a heartless task master who needed my “help” getting “groceries” and other “crap” from the “store”. Like an “ironing board”. Whatever. I think she’s just selling drugs out of the back of her van and wanted me to drive. I’m pretty sure that’s contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Except that I’m 31. So… no.
  • I overslept by an hour. An HOUR. I actually felt ashamed and embarrassed. Pretty sure everyone on Facebook was talking about it. Pretty sure the “neighbors” were shaking their heads in shame when I left the house. “Did you hear? She overslept by an HOUR…  I think she’s on drugs. She gets them from her mom’s van…”  In other news, I may need to talk to a “therapist” about my paranoid delusions.
  • I had nothing to talk about. And when I say I had nothing to talk about… I mean I had “nothing” to talk about. Which is why I’m making up stories about my poor mom’s van.
  • I was tired. And my brain wasn’t functioning properly. Probably all those drugs. Also, I didn’t have “coffee” this morning.
  • I was too busy inventing scenarios in which I could give “anonymous tips” to the cops about why the ass hat drives a station wagon . Hint: It has something to do with “drugs”. (Seriously, what is my preoccupation with drugs today?! Possibly another avenue to investigate with my “therapist”.
  • I was also too busy inventing new ways to use quotation marks “unnecessarily” and “incorrectly”.
  • I lined up two “subbing” jobs at the local “school”. I’m very “excited” about this new “prospect”.
  • I had another “opportunity” to clean “cat puke” from all over the house. Also, the bottom of my “boot”. I really “love” being a pet owner.

So, yeah. That about covers “it”. What’s new with you guys?

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