Why my parents’ antique toilet is a beast.

The house I grew up in and am currently living in (at 31 years old with my cat and my mother… Good grief, I am so pathetic…) is about 100 years old, if not slightly older.

It is old. And creaky. And in pretty rough shape in some places. But the one thing that is really impressive about the place, is the toilet.

I know. When was the last time you thought a toilet was impressive? It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, you remember it. (Or maybe that’s just me…. Yeah. That’s probably just me.)

You see, the toilet is the original toilet that was here when the house was built. We’re talking about a hundred year old toilet, peeps. If you’re into toilets (which apparently I am since I’m writing an entire blog post dedicated to the the topic. Again… pathetic.) that’s kind of a cool factoid. But, the cool thing about the toilet (besides its porcelain base… see what I did there?) is that it’s not one of these “Earth Friendly, Save our Water” kind of toilets where you can only flush 1 to 2 gallons at a time. No, this is a near the turn of the 20th Century kind of toilet… where they probably thought 5 to 10 gallons per flush was necessary. (Don’t quote me on that. I have no idea how much water my parents’ toilet flushes. What, like I spend my time measuring the capacity of toilets? Please. Actually, considering the content of this post, the idea probably isn’t that far fetched…)

Anyway, the point is… this antique toilet? It’s a beast. It can handle anything. And I mean anything. I’m not going to go into gory detail, but the flush on this thing? It’s impressive. Like 2 toilet paper rolls and a paper towel roll kind of impressive. Like, you could flush a human head with this thing. Or a small child. Heck, this beast could probably handle Sir Winston and he’s 15 pounds of pure fur.

The problem with this impressiveness is that it causes a person to over-estimate how much tissue they need every time they go in there. When you use it a few times a day, and over-estimate that often, you get lulled into the false belief that all toilets are created equal.

They are not.

Imagine a person’s horror after using an antique beast like that for so long, and then being forced to use some eco-friendly, water conserving contraption at a rest stop on your way to the big city. It is… well, it’s horrifying. You’re definitely going to use way more tissue than you need because that’s your habit and you’re probably going to clog the thing beyond all recognition if you don’t cause it to overflow first.

So, what do you do? You can’t ask the maintenance man for a plunger. That’s just embarrassing. You can’t handle it yourself. That’s just disgusting. You can’t just leave it sit for the next unsuspecting person to discover. That’s just mean. What do you do?!

You hold it. Until you can find a nearby antique toilet that is equally as beastly as the one at your parent’s house. (C’mon people… you should have known that. This isn’t rocket science.)

I wonder if you can do a Google Maps search for such things…

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