Insert Massive Sigh of Relief Here (And pray my breath doesn’t smell like a hippo’s ass…)

Am I a horrible human being?

The sister I have not seen in two whole years and her precious little girl and funnier than heck husband have finally left after a much needed visit and…

What do I do? Let out a huge sigh of relief and giddily barricade myself in my bedroom to have some alone time.

I am a horrible human being.

I’m not crying. I’m not sad. Sure, I’ll miss her, but I’m positively giddy about having time to myself again.

I mean… having family members visit is hard. It’s much easier not to have any visitors. I’m seriously beginning to question my decision not to become a hermit…

I love my family. I really do. Like, a ton. They are the funniest, most awesome group of people you will ever, EVER meet. But when you get older, you understand why people constantly use the overused phrase, “Well, you can’t pick your family!” with a knowing smirk and twinkle of evil in their eye. I mean… you can’t. And sometimes, maybe secretly, you kind of wish you could.

Take my niece for instance. She’s adorable. Seriously adorable. And ridiculously smart and able to communicate on an adult level. Buuuuuutttt… she’s also demanding, spoiled rotten, a major drama queen, more bossy than a Middle Eastern dictator and sometimes, just downright mean. It took all I had not to drop-kick the kid.

“MOOOOOOOMMMM… there’s a scratch on my cup. I think it’s dirty. EWWWWW… I can’t drink from it. It’s not a scratch, it’s not! And it smells like water from a dog bowl! I want milk!!!! Why can’t I have milk?! I want it now! You never give me milk! You’re so MEAN! Get me some milk! I won’t drink this water! *whimper* *cry* *all out bawl until someone feels sorry for me and meets my demands*”

Oh. My. Lord. And does the girl know how to play people… if they don’t do what she wants she just manipulates until she gets her way. I was not in the mood for playing “White Snow the Cat and Purple Cloud the Pegasus” for the 15th time in a row. (Dude… that’s NOT a game. Having two stuffed animals talk to each other about how one is white and the other is purple isn’t “playing” anything. It’s just some crap you came up with that I’m supposed to support so you can feel good about your creativity… but I am telling you right now… I kinda want to shoot myself in the foot every time I “play” it with you.) So she turns her mouth into a frown and begins to whimper. I’m like “Kid, please…” but she starts whimpering louder and louder until Mom and Dad hear and say, “Honey… what’s the matter, cutie?” And she responds with “Auntie Annie doesn’t wanna play with me!” and you get dirty looks and some lame reasoning like, “Well, maybe she’ll want to play with you later…” which pretty much locks you in for yet another session of “White Snow the Cat and Purple Cloud the Pegasus” because you don’t want to look like the bad guy.

I’m pretty sure my ovaries shriveled and dried up this weekend. I have never been so relieved for a child to leave my presence before.

And as if that weren’t bad enough… my sister… God bless her but… the woman doesn’t talk! And when she does, you have to ask the questions and she gives one word responses. And generally, she just sits around looking serious and crabby. I don’t know what to do with her. I hadn’t seen her in a while and clearly, I had forgotten that this is how she is. I had been thinking it was a situation unique to talking on the phone. She barely talks when you call her. I chalked it up to “Phone Phobia” but apparently, it isn’t about the phone. Apparently, it’s about the talking. I get it. I do. Sometimes I don’t want to talk either, but… never? Like, ever? Here, I have a six year old talking my ear off about inane crap, and over there is the adult I want to talk to and she has nothing to say?

What the hell?!

It was exhausting. Especially for a people pleasing extraordinaire like myself. I’m all about pleasing the masses but this? This was ridiculous.

I seriously need a nap.

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4 thoughts on “Insert Massive Sigh of Relief Here (And pray my breath doesn’t smell like a hippo’s ass…)

  1. notesfromthebathroomfloor says:

    “White Snow the Cat and Purple Cloud the Pegasus”? That sounds HORRIBLE. Sounds like she needs to learn the very important lesson of Why You Must Come Up With Better Games If You Want People to Play Them Without Resenting You. Good for you for teaching her. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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