Happy Anniversary?

So, I just dropped my car off to be looked at. I actually got out of bed for this! And STAYED up! This is quite the accomplishment, peeps. Congratulate me.

It occurred to me after dropping the car off that I’ve never actually done anything like that before. Ever. And while that might sound like I have a piece of junk for a car because I never maintain it… the real story is that I’ve never had to maintain it. My husband… or whatever it is I should call him now… has always done that for me.

My husband (I really need to think of a new term for him…) was a total car nerd. I know no one with as much car knowledge as this guy. He could literally tackle any car problem put in front of him… I never had to bring my car in anywhere because he would take care of it himself. It saved oodles of money, and I was never concerned about car issues because I knew he could and would handle whatever came up. It’s funny, but just a few months ago I was thinking about how thankful I was that he was so good with cars… and that I didn’t know what I would do without him.

Ha! Was that some foreshadowing I should have picked up on? Clearly.

But now I have to take care of everything – including car “stuff” – on my own. It’s really an uncomfortable position to be in. I can no longer depend on him for anything. Anything. It’s all up to me now. And I think the most difficult part of the whole thing is that I literally do not know how I ended up in this position. There was no transition into this new life. No foreshadowing that it was even coming. Just *BAM*… new life… get used to it.

And now, on top of everything else… my anniversary is tomorrow. 6 years. Ha! 6 years?!  If you would have told me on my wedding day that we wouldn’t make it to the 6 year mark, I would have laughed in your face. Not only was my marriage going to last forever, but how hard is it to make it to the 6 year mark? Clearly, it’s very difficult for some of us. Like idiot husbands who can’t handle commitment and fidelity.

Seriously?! How the FLIP did I end up here?! I should be heading out for an anniversary weekend RiGHT NOW. I was so excited for our anniversary this year because we were finally – finally – going to be starting the life we had planned on. No more schooling, dead-end jobs, scraping by with zero money. Now we could look into getting a house, starting a family… you know, the good stuff! And now I’m sitting in my mom’s living room blogging about what an idiot my husband is?!

It’d be one thing if I had seen it coming. If the marriage had gone through an eventual decline and we had come to a mutual understanding. But this was totally out of left field. “I don’t love you anymore. I never loved you. I was faking it. Oh, and I think I want to be with my ex-girlfriend from college whom I’ve been having an emotional affair with for the last 6 months or so.”

It might sound stupid, but there were no signs. None! He was supportive and encouraging and loving and fun and caring up until the day I got that phone call. Why couldn’t I have had some kind of inkling? Something, anything to make this a little bit easier?

How does someone do that? Just walk away. Like none of it mattered. Ever. Like you never meant anything to them. Like they could care less. “Good luck! See ya around, pal!” Marriage vows mean nothing? We were just buds? Hanging out until something better came along? I don’t get it.

And the worst part of all of it? There is zero remorse from him. None. Nothing. It’s like talking to a robot. And when this all first happened, it killed me to listen to the guy who could get choked up over a car commercial show zero emotion to his wife and his partner. His attitude of, “Eh. No biggie. It happens.” is enough to make me… I don’t know… do horrible things.

I hate him. And yet I don’t. I hate the things he’s done. The nonchalance. The lack of remorse. The lack of empathy or consideration. I hate that I’m here. Writing this. I hate that he’s put me in this position. It’s all so ridiculously stupid.

So, happy anniversary, ass hat.

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3 thoughts on “Happy Anniversary?

  1. chely5150 says:

    Yeah I know the feeling. In six months is my anniversary, our anniversary 20 frickn years. And I had dreamed of renewing our vows, because things between us had improved so much. And then D-day. It’s like a sucker punch to your gut. No remorse, no guilt, no real admission, just more half-truths to confuse you even more. Life can suck, then you get up each day and just zombie through your new life. Yeah Happy Anniversary Baby!!!

    Like

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