Throughout the course of this horrible, crappy, no good ordeal, I have been getting advice from people to “take care of myself”.

I assume this means to get decent amounts of sleep, eat well, take time to de-stress and avoid smoking crack, popping pills, and eating too many cake balls.

So, in an effort to “take care of myself”, I decided a good way to do so would be to stay (or in my case, get) active and relieve some of my stress using exercise.

I decided, in a moment of sheer brilliance, to start a workout routine called “Couch to 5K”. I was all like, “I can do this! I am woman! Hear me roar!” And then… I realized… all those cake balls I’ve been stress eating were trying to kill me.

I was supposed to run/walk for 30 minutes. This consists of a 5 minute warm up, then alternate between 90 seconds of walking, and 60 seconds of running until you’ve completed 30 minutes. Easy, right?


60 SECONDS OF RUNNING?!  I thought my right lung would collapse after 15 seconds and my legs would snap in two after 30 seconds. You know how many times I had to DO THAT?!  I finally just said, “Screw it… Walking fast burns calories too… dumbasses.”

It was also brought to my attention that I do not know how to run. Seriously… have you tried to run recently? How do you do it? I was all like, running on my tippy toes, and even though I’m fairly certain that’s not how you do it, I couldn’t stop. And then I started over-thinking it.

Do you run with your heels? Where should my arms be? Is my stomach flab flapping in the wind? What about my non-boobs? Are they okay? Why am I taking such short strides? Shouldn’t I be taking long, elegant strides like a beautiful swan? Screw swans, what do they know about running? Am I breathing too loudly? What if someone says Hi, and I’m all like, “HHHHHHHIIIIIIIII…. *gasp!*” like some creepy mouth breather, telephone stalker person?

And then… THEN… I didn’t know where to run to. I thought this small town was a lot bigger than it actually is. It’s not. Plus, I had to avoid houses of people I knew so as not to run into them and let them see my spastic, flabby wagging running. But I didn’t plan ahead… so I started out and had to avoid certain blocks because I didn’t want to run into old friends and coworkers. I’m pretty sure I circled the same block 3 times just trying to figure out where to go. I’m pretty sure people were staring out their windows at me. I’m pretty sure it was humiliating.

And now… today… my ankle hurts, my shins ache, and when I walk down stairs, there’s a muscle right near my butt that I didn’t know existed until yesterday. That hurts too. Pretty sure I’m not “running” today… or ever… again.

I’ll stick to walking, thanks.


One thought on “Running

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