The other day, while babysitting, one of the kiddos asked if I like babies.
I said, “Meh… not really. I like kids better.”
Then she asked, “But don’t you think they’re so cute? Don’t you want to hold one?”
And again, I was like, “Uh… not really. I’m not much of a baby person. I like kids better.”
Shortly after that, one of kiddos I tutor asked if I wanted a baby of my own.
Because it is rude to be like, “Ew. Gross.” when one is speaking of babies, I shrugged naively and said, “I don’t know.” But really, inside, I was all…
Apparently, when it comes to all things “Annie”, people have had babies on the brain. As in… I should want one… I should have one. Apparently, having a longish-term, stable relationship that it veering towards marriage makes everyone think of babies… except for me.
A few months back, my teacher peeps and I were sitting around having lunch in the teacher’s lounge and the conversation naturally turned towards babies. Apparently, amongst women, conversations have a tendency to turn towards babies when you have one girl on staff about to be married, another one expecting her second, and a third one waiting with bated breath for that engagement ring. The older ladies were talking about the miracle of childbirth and placenta this and infertility that, while the younger ladies were all enthralled and chirping happily away about their hopes of having at least one kiddo who plays hockey and maybe, a husband who can change a dirty diaper.
I sat there eating my sandwich like this…
I could not have been more turned off by the entire conversation, which got me thinking…
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!
Okay, so I’ll admit that a few years back I was all, “SQUEEEEE! BABY! I want a baby! I want a little doll-sized child to dress up and plan a nursery for and raise properly and then I can show everyone how it’s done! And I will love him and kiss him and call him George!”
Apparently, this phase in my life was rather short-lived because now I’m all… “Nah. I’m good.”
In fact, the other day, I ran into a friend who had just given birth to their 3rd kiddo… and because I know what is expected of me when babies are around, I pretended to be interested and in love. You guys? I honestly couldn’t have cared less. But I did the whole cooing thing and complimenting thing and baby talk thing, all the while thinking, “Can I go now? I have things to do.”
And then the friend held the baby out to me so I could hold it.
Um… I’m sorry. What?
You guys… I had no desire to hold this little bundle of joy.
So, I tried to get out of it. “Oh, no-no-no. I’ll probably drop it.”
“Oh, comeon… no you won’t!”
“Yes, but it’s head is going to fall off…”
Side Note: What is WITH baby’s heads?! Why are they so wobbly?! Shouldn’t they be screwed on in a more secure fashion?! They’re all like… bobbly and ready to snap at a moment’s notice. That’s not safe! Babies freak me out for their wobbly heads alone. It’s unnatural and unsafe and weird.
“It’s fine. Here. Hold her.”
And then this may have happened…
You guys, I was holding that baby like a mutant alien strapped with nuclear weapons.
It was the most uncomfortable, unnatural three and a half minutes of my life. And the whole time I’m sitting there thinking, “What is all the fuss? I don’t want to smell this child, I don’t want to kiss this child, I don’t want to gnaw on their little baby fingers or stroke its head or cuddle it or snuggle it or talk to it. I WANT THE MOTHER TO TAKE IT BACK!”
And when she finally did, I was all, “I don’t get it. Ew.”
Okay, so I didn’t say that out loud. Out loud I was all, “Awww… she’s so precious!” But inside I just… couldn’t even.
In fact, a few days after this incident, I was asked to hold a chicken… (yes, a chicken)… and I did. And you guys? Holding that chicken felt more natural than holding that baby. The chicken I could handle. (After all, its head was securely attached.) The baby? Not so much.
So, while everyone my age is out there popping out babies and making plans to pop out babies, I’m just going to sit here quietly with my cat and my chickens and silently question their decision making skills. Honestly, I think that sounds like a pretty good plan.